Shobha's Psych Journey

After a decade, I'm back!

2010-08-01T16:39:00.002+08:00

"You know he's the one when he does everything that no one else does for you :)"

I decided to start treating myself better this semester by taking lesser modules. Given the fact that I would end up graduating a tad later but really, who cares? I was miserable with my no life kind of life which didn't even pay off in the end! 4 modules in 8 weeks is just insanity. I don't memorize facts, I understand them and I find ways to apply them - which explains why I take awhile to grasp things. I feel so much better now though.. happier; I would say. I finally have time for casual reading & spontaneous outings!

I'll never get sick of saying that I have the most awesome friends ever! guys and girls! It's like I just can't digest the fact that they've always been there; through sunshine's & storms. They're always on my side no matter what happens. Just knowing that puts a really big smile on my face. Maybe not every single one of them can meet me at my level but at the very least, they do silly things to make me laugh. That should count for something, shouldn't it?

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty articulate person, but apparently I have now reached the point where nobody has any idea what I’m talking about. In my fantasies, I’m becoming one of those eccentric old people who collects spoons from all over the world and shakes her cane at the kids stealing flowers from her yard, but that’s a pretty unpopular character.

My aunt has been giving me piles and piles of articles which I would love to read but being a psych student, reading is like the daily bread; only thicker! lol. I'll have to get down to reading them though & blogging. My current read on the other hand is a book by Jodi Picoult - One of my most fav authors!; its called House Rules. Its a best seller just as all her books are! She's brilliant and I wish I was or could be half as brilliant as she is and write best sellers someday!

One can always dream; for we're nothing without dreams.

Goodbye, Love.

2010-06-13T02:34:00.004+08:00

Love is one of the only emotions that can truly make us feel vulnerable. So much so that we short change ourselves for someone who might not even deserve us in the first place. Never mind that, but they don't even work on deserving us! It's always rosy in the beginning because most of us put on a mask; an image of who we portray ourselves to be or perhaps an ideal self (who we'd like to be). Everyone falls for that. Honestly, how many of us would come clean and lay the cards on the table initially? close to none I suppose (I'm the only person I know, but we all know I'm crazy!) & How many of us would put on an image of who we are NOT to get someone attracted? Maybe it doesn't do as much harm as I make it out to be.

I mean, all of us would like to make some sort of impression to get something started. Here comes the challenging bit: The testing. We test the ones we love by showing our true selves wondering if they would stick around but one test leads to another and another and another and another. Reality check: Who are we to test another? Guys! News Flash! Testing someone will only lead to a sabotage on our part.

Personally, I always accepted the blame even when I knew I wasn't in the wrong. It wasn't the ego talking, it was that voice in my heart. I accepted it anyway because Psych has taught to me to be the bigger person. To apologize and set things right, To throw myself out into the world and lay all my cards on the table. Psych gave me courage to come out of my shell. Psych gave me the courage to take a chance on someone. The best part is, it isn't just Psychology (science), Daddy agrees as well.

Maybe everything I do for the people I love come from a combination and affirmation of science and that voice that echoes. He could throw me a 100 more relationships that may possibly fail, 100 more heart wreaks.. but I won't throw in the towel because I know, every guy I fall in love with, I make them better lovers and they make me more and more incredible. Maybe they aren't meant for me but they'd be a better lover to the next girl they fall in love with. I raise their standards to a certain extent and I like it!

FACTS: If he can't be a friend, he can't be anything else. You may be his best friend but its supposed to work both ways. Is he yours? The EGO destroys everything that could have been. That much I know.

JUNE; Say Cheeeeeeeese!

2010-06-01T22:31:00.003+08:00

I miss snuggling up with a book & hot chocolate, long walks in the rain, movie marathons, food escapades, running, social drinking sessions and I miss hanging out with everyone who matters & of course typing out my thoughts (blogging). It's funny how the simplest of things can make one happy and those are the things that certainly put a big smile on my face. I think I made a few re-connections with a couple of people who I MISS & havnt talked to in ages during the last couple of days and I am so glad I did. I look forward to all the hang out's planned for the month! :D

Every day for the past week, I dream of him. This guy with blue eyes, brown hair and the most charming smile; the kind that could sweep you of your feet. He reaches out to touch my face and as I reach out for his hand, he drifts further and further away until he literally disappears. It sounds as if it lasted for 10 minutes at the very most but it felt like hours. That look of anguish and sadness overwhelms him and I just stand there with tears in my eyes and wishing we had a goodbye. It's a tad weird that every guy who has loved me deep enough either comes to no good end or dies. It's tragic!

It's funny, I think I lack faith in myself. I give so much emphasis to letting go of someone, I feel as though it would kill me on the inside and shatter my heart into smithereens but perhaps that's just a fiction of my oh-so-charming imagination. Maybe it's because I tend to give every ounce of myself when I love someone. Without the testing, manipulating, without the playing hard-to-get and without the hurting; its something everyone does and it is something I can never grasp.

Being this way however, makes it so easy to let go. Especially knowing we've done our best, knowing we did all there is to do. Maybe that's enough.

The last face I want to see right before I close my eyes, is you smiling back at me. :)

Picking up the pieces

2010-05-09T21:11:00.003+08:00

The last week of class went pretty smoothly. My presentation on death education with my mates went better than expected. The slides weren't all that great. I fear I may not have given enough input to certain areas of my presentation. The whole Q&A I had with my lecturer certainly gave me satisfaction though. I've learnt a couple of valuable lessons from health psych. One of them implies to letting the grief - GRIEF! We go through these five emotions at five different stages when we lose someone. Denial -> Anger -> Bargaining -> Depression -> Acceptance. Experiencing those emotions are essential in order to get closure. Some people never make it past those five stages, especially when they don't get the support they require.

I think I would comfort a grieving friend using a very different approach from the way I was comforted by most people in my life; almost a month back. I realized that people need to feel what they feel. Trying so hard to make someone face reality sooner than they can grasp - only shows that we ourselves cant come to terms with death and it shows, its we who are uncomfortable. Different people go through different intensities depending on how much the deceased meant to them.

Watching someone go through a grieving process isn't easy. Sometimes its hard to even think of words to say in order to comfort that special person. However, we dont realize that it just takes the presence of people who care about us that makes the biggest difference. Its when they tell us ''I'll be here for you if you ever need to talk about how you're feeling'' and the comforting hugs; thats all it really takes :)

I also did alot of intensive reading on explaining to a child about death and activities that could possibly help. These not only help the child get a better understanding of the situation but these activities would possibly help the child get closure in his/her own way.

I can't wait to major in Child Psych! It feels like my calling at the moment :)

P.s - I really think I have the most amazing friends in the world. I love each and every one of them so much. It's funny, I've always thought I'd meet one or maybe two special people but today I find myself with a whole chunk. My world may not be perfect but its filled with love & its wholesome!

Coping with Loss of a Loved One

2010-04-17T15:50:00.004+08:00

Time sure does fly. Just about a week ago I lost my grandmother. It came as a shock despite always assuming that I would be prepared when it was time to let go. I haven't been able to pay sufficient attention in any of my classes for the past week and I've been waking up to find my pillow soaked. I can't seem to recall any of my dreams and thoughts of her fill my mind like a hot air balloon. I haven't been able to write articles, update my blog or reply to emails from family overseas; till maybe today. I don't suffer from ''writer's block'' as they like to call it but its the emptiness that sets in and steals away the words.

The funeral/cremation still feel like a trauma; as if it was some nightmare that I would eventually awake from at any moment and there should be; smiling back at me. I used to dream about her death in the past.. they were vivid but this was real. I think it's not the physical loss that I have issues coping with but rather the emotional. The grandmother I lost at 11. The one I used to take care of, feed, take for walks and change diapers for. The one whose hair I used to brush and whose forehead I used to kiss; assuring her that everything would be okay. The trips to the nursing home once classes were over as and when I could. I knew she was leaving but I never expected it to be this soon.

So here I am, being everything she wanted me to be. I am in university - the way she wanted me to be, living my dreams, taking responsibility for everything around. Here I am, that kid who grew up overnight, who always felt older than she really was. Here I am, hoping.. still hoping, one day someone's gonna take care of me and if that someone fails to come along, it would be okay cause its just a fantasy.

I probably can't apply Kulber Ross's five stages of death to myself. Mainly because I think I've gone through those five stages the last couple of years. I never expected myself to be this strong though. The way I can still laugh at jokes and times where I play along with the environment and look as though, nothing happened. It surprises me, that I am actually okay. I feel her overwhelming presence and I know I'm gonna dedicate everything I do to her.

I love you so much. You didn't just play the role of my one and only grandparent. You played the role of my mom and dad. If you do come back; come back into my life as a child.

Just have faith; A review on Einstein

2010-04-06T21:12:00.008+08:00

I'm still having a love-hate relationship with statistics! At least I'm a pro at standard deviation now. I would have been proud of myself if that took place during my first tutorial. So yes, I am practically ashamed because its the 4th tutorial tomorrow! I have been procrastinating at this module and giving more attention to my health literature review and brain & behaviour. I'm slow when it comes to maths and stats?.. *shrugs* Ah well, practice makes perfect! Its not as bad as I make it sound; I'll progress at my own pace honey!

I conclude brain & behaviour to be my favourite for the semester; which is basically biological psychology. This is probably one of the closest modules to Medicine - Gory & detailed!

I have always been intrigued by Albert Einstein! My aunt came across this article in the papers in 2001 & knew it was a keeper. I probably got the habit of cutting out interesting news paper articles from my aunt; who always saves mind blowing ones for me every time we meet - it was something I grew to appreciate. Its probably more convenient now; given the fact that she has moved in with me :) I like the way perspectives on something identical changes over time - the way we mature and we see that same thing; differently.

Einstein passed away from an abdominal aortic aneurysm in 1955. The pathologist that performed the autopsy on Einstein also ended up stealing the world's smartest brain! I wonder if he ended up injecting Einstein's brain cells into himself. I remember how Dr Foo talked about how extracting brain cells from someone intelligent & injecting ourselves could in turn make us intelligent as well. Maybe I should go steal some brain cells before the exams! Get your guard on geniuses!

All the world's a stage

2010-04-02T23:27:00.002+08:00

It certainly feels as though the world's a stage; we're merely players with our entrances and our exits; each with a given role yet we're also given the most priceless gift - free will. For some reason, despite the fact that the purpose of life is to develop relationships; I think its also coming to the conclusion that each one us is at a different stage of spiritual evolution.

Personally, love has always brought me disappointment. Its not entirely from unrealistic expectations but the image that people portray. The way they appear to be so sure of you yet every promise gets broken and each truth turns into a lie down the road.

Love with the purest of intentions yet expecting absolutely nothing in return. For the one you're head over heels with is merely just a human being. Either way, despite how your better half may treat you; bear in mind that we always get what we deserve in the end :)

Good friends!

2010-03-29T17:06:00.003+08:00

I've been pretty busy with school for the last couple of weeks. I'm content with my 3-Day-School week! though it's not all been fun and games. I've got presentations with Nick & Keith, mid terms and lab reports to prepare for this coming week! As tricky as brain & behavior is, I enjoy it better then statistics!

Math and I never had chemistry but I think I better start making chemistry happen! since I'm gonna be bumping into math quite abit; being at cross roads with Psych. I make math sound like a guy (Matt) but it makes me feel a million times better :D

Thanks Aundre for making a drive to Max Brenner's Chocolate Bar! :) & Thanks Ashwini for all the dessert meet up's that always cheer me up and put me in the study mode!

It will be worth it

2010-03-21T20:37:00.002+08:00

I cannot believe how things are working out for me; despite the usual up's and down's that take place. I've always been there for everyone in my life who matters. The world may call me naive or even stupid but nevertheless, I treat people the way I would like to be treated. It really doesn't matter if the favors are returned.

My spiritual daddy on the other hand; has always been there. He's been a guiding light in my life. He has been there for me, the way everyone else has failed to; when even the very people I've loved have failed to and I realize its enough. I get back everything I give to the world through him and that overwhelms me with comfort.

To think the one I've looked for all my life has been within me all this while.

After much contemplation with myself, I have pretty much decided to continue my further studies in New Zealand once I'm through with my Bachelor's. It'll take me till 2011 or 2012 with hons. I'm not sure if I can count on hons here at the moment. The competition at JCU is no joke but I'll still give this all I've got and I'll never give in or give up. It's nice to think of a place away from here, to start building my life and fulfilling my dreams. It's somewhat like a clean slate and even better when I know I have done all I can possibly do.

New Zealand is not my escape. I have never run away from my problems.. its a very immature thing to do. Hence I have always faced up to them; whether I like it or not.. suffered, dealt with them, sorted the huge mess out and looked ahead.

It's pretty exciting and its something I'm looking forward to. Working hard for my degree will bear fruit. Relationships on the other hand is something I leave to daddy. He knows I'm exhausted, worn out but yet I have complete faith in him.

Love the Lord's Uncertainty

2010-03-07T22:06:00.005+08:00

Today marks a year - it marks 365 days & 52 weeks. I still feel the exact same way & wonder if I could love you any less than I do today :)

I have never fancied the uncertainty that life brings. I was always afraid of falling too hard or too fast or right on the face. It took me a really long time and a few hard knocks to realize it doesn't matter. You'll meet someone who thinks you're absolutely amazing and who adores you more than anything in the world and you'll meet someone who wards you off as a psychopath just because you're not like everyone else. You're still you and yet you're exposed to two very different human beings who see you on either extream. The funny thing about the creator of this cosmos, is the way he wants you to love that very feeling of uncertainty.

To be pleasantly surprised by the blessings that tomorrow will bring. To live in content and cherish every single person he has placed in your life knowing that co-incidences do not exist. To just have faith.. even when everything in your life goes wrong. We tend to feel all alone from time to time but truth be told, we never are.

You have what you're holding because this is what you asked for. Who says he isn't listening? Question is.. Is this still what you want? :)

The Perfect Stranger

2010-02-25T17:44:00.004+08:00

I took a walk to the beach early this morning with my loyal mp3 player for company. I guess I didn't really get much sleep last night. All my life I grew up being labelled but I guess we all do. Alot of the time I used to think that maybe there was actually something wrong with me. Clearly there wasn't but when the majority points it out and makes it sound like a bad thing.. you start to believe it aswell.

I'm still in the midst of reading Sophie's World; found a bench to continue it on. A man in his late 50's came up from behind and asked if he could join me. He randomly brought up a topic on human nature and asked me ''It's tough feeling like a misfit, isn't it?''. That did spark my interest quite abit as I put my book away feeling as though I probably wont get through another page anytime soon! For a moment, it felt as though he was reading my mind.

Funny how I ended up having a three hour conversation with a stranger who made me see things from yet another perspective. He was protective like a father, concerned like a brother, comforting like a lover and caring the way a friend would be. He had the most charming smile.. the kind that would make you smile back even if your eyes were wet.

I am not like everyone else. Its not the experiences of life that shaped me to become who I am. I am pretty sure I could name tons of people who have been through worse. Its the emotions that went so deep that something inside of me broke, it tested my faith again and again. I hate to admit it but I have always missed the idea of having a father. I have always wanted to know what it was like and how it felt.

Many times, I could have walked away but I live on and I embrace myself for who I am because there has been ONE who has always been there for me, who catches my tears, who sends me angels every now and then, he acts like my plaster when my heart hurts and he always makes me believe that I am never alone. Maybe that is why I am different.. because I love him so very much and he has been there when no one else was.

I am reminded that I am on a mission. I am his little helper. Saving lives is awesome but the most satisfying part of it all was that I saved myself and I found my purpose in life.. I realized so much over 21years that I could lose everyone and everything; yet I wouldnt be empty because I found me.

People will always have opinions; realize that none of them matter. One fine day, you will find that mind blowing person that goes a million miles to make you happy yet you'd know deep within that just his existence alone makes you feel like you've lived your life. Love is not just loving the best parts of a person, its loving every single part.

The stranger ended the conversation by saying ''Everything that happens is only in your favour, even if you dont see it right now Shobha''. I smiled.. turned around to walk away.. I turned back in seconds as I didn't remember giving him my name but all I saw was an empty bench.

2010-02-12T00:07:00.003+08:00

When you see the giver in each and every gift; everything's beautiful. When you have faith; it can all go wrong but you'll stay strong. When you love deep enough .. it feels as though you've given a part of you to that someone else. I hope one fine day, I meet someone who tells me that they love me for the very reason that they love who they are when they're with me.

The Conflicting War Between Love & Lust

2010-02-09T09:44:00.002+08:00

I thought this would probably interest most of you guys as alot of my friends have been asking me how we exactly decipher between the two? That oh-so famous quote ''Love at first sight'' is none other than lust. It is nothing more than an intense physical attraction.

Love is more than a physical longing, although physical attraction is definitely a key ingredient in any romantic relationship, and if all you have between you is attraction; you’re not really in love. Really loving another person takes time, it takes perseverance and it can’t be based on physical attraction alone. Until you know somebody well you can’t really be in love.

You finally meet that one person you are crazy about and you start to wonder if its love (:

Scientists have determined that there are three phases of love.
1)Lust, 2)Love and 3)Attachment.

Lust is a strong sexual feeling for someone else. Love is a sense of deep caring, warmth and intimacy for another person whereas Attachment is the feeling of connection with another person that makes you want to spend time with them and have them involved in your life.

Being in love can be a wonderful feeling! But keep in mind that after the initial passionate feelings calm down (and they will), you will be left with a real person and real issues to deal with. A lot of people feel that a deeper love develops over time.

Personally, I think love is amazing; its not about the social status of a realationship (though it does provide one with security to a certain extent) but rather feelings that go reciprocated. I take that as a blessing. However, one of the mistakes that people undoubtly make is ''testing''. Testing does NOT make a relationship stronger, instead its damaging and it might even make you lose that one person that you had so much of high regard for.

Love is based on trust, respect, honesty and commitment. Its based on putting that other individual's happiness before your own. Health and Happiness do go hand in hand hence its vital to have a healthy relationship. Any guy or girl who makes you feel less of what you really are; certainly does not deserve to have you in their lives. Abuse is not just physical or sexual, its emotional aswell and that is probably the most damagaging out of the three.

Three cheers to freedom!

2010-01-31T16:35:00.003+08:00

I'm so glad the exams are over! Though I seriously have issues. I'm starting to miss school after 24hrs! Oh booooy! I have exactly 28 days to kill before the new term! *lets pretend I didn't just say that* haha. Psychology has always been my coping method; I'm absolutely in love! though I dread the idea of exams. I did lots yesterday. Unfortunately, I had to miss my camping trip this weekend due to obligations that I couldn't squirm myself out of ): bummer!

I haven't been to the gym in ages. I reckon I need to get back on track. I probably put on weight after all that snacking while studying!

If anyone is up for a road trip, camping, movie marathon or anything crazy under the sun, Please text me :D I am not free.. I am priceless but I am available for rent :P

P.S: I have a confession to make, I am an extrovert! (I wear a mask being an introvert and I think I pull it off extremely well) ROFL! (:

I've got so many plans for the holidays! I hope each one follows through and if it doesn't.. there's always cartoons + cuddling with my teddy bear and a book + Ben and Jerry's :D

21st!

2010-01-19T12:00:00.005+08:00

The girl who has looked for miracles 21 years of her life realizes that her life itself has always been a miracle.

Thank you to everyone who texted, everyone who wrote on my facebook wall with the sweetest of greetings, everyone who called and all the presents!

Thanks to my ever growing clique at JCU for coming over to vivo to surprise me with a cake a day before my 21st despite having final exams the following week! It means alot guys :)

CHR Clique: To Ben who rushed over to plaza singapura early, kept me company and bought me green tea! To Yan qin, who still came despite looking so exhuasted and who won me a minnie mouse for my bday! To Mh who came to celebrate, To Weida and all his silly jokes that gave me a good laugh, aswell as teaching me how to gamble along with cy when the clock struck 12! 0_0'' lol.

To Ashwini and Kriti for the amazing day out on my actual birthday.. pigging out on ice cream waffles, playing at the arcade, catching a movie, the amazing surprise dinner with everyone I cared about and the shocking ice cream cake I got from Mr Angel was priceless!!

Thanks to everyone who went all out to make my day special because I indeed feel like I have everthing I need - YOU! :D

Farewell to being 20

2010-01-18T00:12:00.003+08:00

I think I've changed drastically since the 18th of Jan 2009. I'm more sure of what I want now.. from goals to relationships. I'm starting to see things from yet another prespective. Life is indeed a challenging journey, we may not always get what we want all the time but we always get what we deserve in the end. Maybe sometimes, its just about holding on a little longer and having that bit of faith that things will get better. Everything works out in his time.

I realized its important to see a future with someone before getting into a serious relationship. However, what we want at 20 may not be what we want at 30. We change and we mature and along with that the characteristics of that ideal changes aswell. I know one fine day, I'm going to meet that someone and he's going to be unbelieveable. Flawed and imperfect but absolutely unbelieveable.

Funny thing is, I've never sabotaged any of my potential relationships.. they kind of fade away on their own - I take that as a sign that he's not the one. Maybe I shouldnt be taking guys so seriously at my age but this is who I am and I wouldnt have it any other way.

I feel so blessed to have friends who are worth more then money can buy, a supportive aunt & the man in white. As for love.. I'll wait it out because I know he only gives me the best :)

Discoveries on Anthropology!

2010-01-07T09:31:00.008+08:00

Since I'm in the midst of revising for my final year papers. I just thought I'd blog on anthro & give emphasis on what fascinates me most. (I'm sorry if I'm a bore, I'm just trying to make studying a little fun here!) :D Whats really funny is, I started on my anthro workbook assignments long ago but I kept procrastinating with getting them done because I kept diverting my reading (though its in the same context); every time I found something interesting to read! haha. Truth be told, its the stuff that fascinates us that will help us write future essays in the end! :D How can anyone not love psych? though personally, it drives me crazy :P

#1 I love the whole idea that race does not exist. We are all Homo Sapien. Skin color, eye color, hair color are all simple environmental adaptations and are epiphenomenal, but genetically we are all the same! Race is a human construct to lump people into categories, but it does not exist! You cannot prove a race through DNA. Coolest fact on the planet yet at the same time, when we finally accept that race does not exist; it gets very frustrating become we now have to convince the rest of the world.

#2 Humans have walked this earth for 2.5 Million years for Homo Sapiens, but if you want to include our ancestors, we date back 4 Million years.

#3 Is Cultural Relativism even possible? Can you really see a culture on their own terms, without your own cultural biases? I think you can try your best but you will always carry something from your culture with you, which will make your work biased in some way. Big bummer! I guess there's a limit to how objective one can be.

#4 The only thing that can't be classified as a social construct is biological evolution!

#5 "survival of the fittest". Contrary to popular assumption, "fittest" does not mean the best in everything, or the meanest and strongest, or an improvement towards a higher goal. It means "best adapted to exploit a hitherto un-occupied niche to ensure survival of further generations"

To be continued.. :)

Reflecting on 2009; HELLO 2010!

2009-12-31T23:14:00.007+08:00

I would say, 2009 has been a challenging year! Hoever, there will always be reasons for me to feel blessed nevertheless. I started on my venture with JCU and I got the course I wanted without even having to worry about financing it. I made a new bunch of buddies who never fail to give me a good laugh, My bonds grew stronger with regard to old friendships (its nice to know who your true friends are) and I met someone who is as angel like as he can possibly get; who's my best friend and who makes me the happiest person in the world (when he tries not to frustrate me; hehe I'm kidding!) :P

Life never goes as planned but sometimes the best things in the world happen when you least expect them to. Its awesome to have goals and know what you want to achieve, its great to have ideals and to aspire to find that better half. However, don't get so caught up with how life is supposed to end that you forget about actually living it :)

In the end, we do get what we deserve so maybe we should work to deserve the best there possibly is. I hope wars end, I hope prayers get answered, I hope talents get discovered, I hope love gets reciprocated, I hope dreams come true, I hope time heals all hearts, I hope we each meet someone who loves & appreciates us more then anything else in the world, I hope everyone has at least one friend that they can count on, I hope right always wins & I hope faith never dies.

I hope 2010 brings love, peace and joy to everyone on the planet.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D

P.s: Thank you to everyone in my life who has always been there for me! To those who have caught me when things got rough and comforted me when I was down in the dumps. To the ones that made me laugh when I was tearing up & the ones who'd scold me when I did something stupid.

To the ones who'd send me essay long text messages of encouragement & the ones that could tell me to my face that I mean something to them & they never want to lose me. Sometimes words help more than anyone can imagine. I love youuuu & I appreciate you & I'm so blessed to have all you guys in my life! :)

Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see.

2009-12-31T22:43:00.001+08:00

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough

And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you

'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see

And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

You went and saved the best for last

Funny how

2009-12-22T10:10:00.004+08:00

Mummy says: View reality from a distance
Aunt says: Emphasis on the giver, rather than the gift
I say: I fall for ''the spark I see'' in each individual.
*The whole is not just a sum of parts*
Ash says: God saves the best for last

I have complete faith in you.. Faith & Doubt don't go together now, do they? :)

This is what I want.

2009-12-12T09:32:00.004+08:00

Despite the fact you haven't walked in my life, Despite the fact I haven't met you yet; I can honestly say I'm hopelessly hooked. I'm in love with love itself. During each stage of our lives, the characteristics that we look for in our better half change. At this moment, I don't want a guy who's physically attractive, wealthy or intellectual. These characteristics play a part but the funny thing is; I just want a best friend.

I don't want the high end life, the fancy restaurants, car rides, the presents, flowers or even the chocolate! Yes, I don't even want my happy drug! I just want company. I would give it all up to dwell in company. I used to think I had ''standards'' but come on; I find myself pathetic at the this point :D

I want a guy who I can see myself with 10 years, 20 years, 30 years down the road. I want someone who enjoys the simple pleasures life offers. I want someone who'll say ''screw the world! this is who I am and I'm not going to try and fit in!'', I want someone who isn't afraid of being himself, I want someone who's decisive. I want someone who'll tell me the truth, even if it hurts. I want someone who's worth my tears yet never gives me one reason to cry. This is my ideal.

Any guy who makes the cut to a best friend, makes the cut to be a potential boyfriend/life partner. Its not the time frame of how long you've known one another. Its quality over quantity. Maybe its strange that I'm thinking over the oceans at this point of time; being only 20! but the emotional aspect of love is what makes you fall in love with the physical as well.

Right off your head, if you were in trouble.. if you were down in the dumps.. if you could only call one person.. who would you call? Your best friend? or your boyfriend/girlfriend? Shouldn't they be the same person?

I've never been in a relationship so I probably know nuts but I do know, one fine day I'm going to meet my match who'll be as flawed and as imperfect as I am yet we find perfection in all our little imperfections. Relationships are not supposed to feel like a chore.. but each one prepares you for the ultimate one and for all you single people out there; The BEST is yet to be. Love like there's no tomorrow and then, as hard as it is, let go.

Psych Updates for JCU Psych Undergrads!

2009-12-01T22:02:00.005+08:00

I found this pretty cool site that would be great for some of you guys who might want to practice on multiple choice questions for that upcoming mid term and exams! Knock yourself out :)

http://www.alleydog.com/psychology-quizzes.php

06/12/09

Attention: Fellow Psych mates taking PY1101 & PY1102

I'm not sure if all you you guys are aware that we can now gain access to 'My Psych Lab' after I bugged Dr Richard for over a month :P The course ID is on his web page at:

http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/UXEVU5Y2HIRNPJUSQDEKBPANAQ

You'll also need your access code which can be found attached to the Psychology Textbook (the one we use for PY1101 & PY1102)

Feel free to PM me if you guys need help with anything :)

All the best for the mid term's! ^^

PS: pls ignore this if you already managed to gain access :)

CC: Facebook

A new slate

2009-11-29T23:14:00.004+08:00

I am hopelessly in love with my IPhone! I never liked the idea of a touch screen phone and I always thought I'd never get the hang of it but this is awesomeness! I guess I could regard this as my 21st Birthday present to self since I'm not celebrating the event - Thanks Chris; I probably wouldn't have gotten one without you (:

My purpose in life is to give every ounce of myself to the world. It's not about what you get back. Its about what you give. A lot of the time.. we end up bleeding but the whole idea is not to dwell in the gift; its to dwell in the giver. Things will happen when the time is right and in the end, we get what we deserve.

Every second, someone in this world dies and people around cry. Every second, a new life is born and people smile. Every second, someone throws their own life away. Every second, another is in a battle with death to live.

The whole concept about living each day as if it were your last.. what would you change? what would you do differently? Even when I knew this was coming.. I would have still loved you; Even when I knew it would hurt this bad, I would have still loved you. At the same time, I know this is everything but how love is supposed to be and I find my comfort looking at this world differently and realizing its a blessing to breathe and knowing.. he's coming (:

Love illusion and reality

2009-11-15T20:29:00.004+08:00

I've always liked Rolheiser's articles. He's the reason why I flip through the catholic news every week :) I grew out of religion a long time ago. I love how I'm able to see things from an objective point of view and make connections; boy did that enlighten me a fair bit! Growing up in an Anglican background (even though I'm not one) ever since kindergarten; all the way through high school; was a pretty cool experience. It just.. helped me get through.

I'm not someone who can actually do things for the sake of doing them and everything I do for myself or people around; I find it absolutely essential to feed the need of self satisfaction. I think, when you do something for someone; even when you expect nothing in return, its important to at least feel that sense of satisfaction and along with that; contentment and perhaps happiness!

In this article, Rolheiser talks about Love and the whole concept of love songs. I agree with the fact that most sad love songs in fact express frustration, betrayal, impossibility, jealousy, regret, separation and death. The frustration of loving someone who doesn't return those feelings, the heartache of longing for someone when the situation does not permit it, regrets, the pain of jealousy, the bitterness of being betrayed, the anguish of separation and finally; the death of someone before the love could be complete.

All these feelings and situations, speak of the sadness that comes from not being able to fully actualize love. One important aspect to remember is that.. anyone that we love on earth, no matter how awesome, good or wonderful he/she might be, they're not God and can never, all alone, be enough for us. No one can raise up to the one that dwells in our hearts.

When we are in the honeymoon stage of love with someone, we aren't so much in love with that person (though we think we are) as we are in love with love itself, with the experience of being in love, with what being in love is doing to us. - I relate to this so very well. I never thought it made sense until this very moment. We're in love with a wonderful, powerful, fiery energy inside of us. We're in love with an archetype.

When we first fall in love with someone; that person alone is sufficient to take away our restlessness and loneliness. It is enough just to be with him or her. Functionally, he or she is God for us. That's why obsession in love can be so paralyzing. I'm guessing its because God is non anthropomorphic, he isn't human and thus the need arises to fall for another human being; that we can relate to on the same level.

But always, even if both partners are faithful to one another, this feeling eventually disappears. No matter how good someone is, he or she is never enough for us. A certain necessary disillusionment sets in end, with it, a certain disappointment and sadness. We discover that we have married a human being. One who'll always be imperfect and flawed. One who is just.. not enough. We realize that what we've been looking for all our lives; in the bitterness, in the loneliness, is the one who has always been there in our hearts.

Our disillusionment is an invitation to move from being in love with an archetypal energy (with God as manifest in a human person) to actually loving and caring about a concrete, singular human being. Initially, this is felt as sadness and disappointment but its not an invitation to lowered stoic expectations. On this contrary, its an invitation to a deeper journey into that relationship, one within which without illusion, we will again see the other person as transfigured, as we first saw him or her on the honeymoon - as eternal, as Christlike, as enough.

Maybe..

2009-11-08T18:56:00.005+08:00

We speak of the sky and the ocean as being blue in colour, but this is incorrect. Neither the sky nor the ocean are actually blue themselves. It is the vastness of space and the depth of the ocean that produces this illusion of blueness. If you take some seawater in your palm, you will see that it is actually colorless. Likewise, good and evil depend on our own thoughts and feelings. - A note from the Lord

I put so much of myself out there; by giving my all to people I care about only to come full circle and realize that I don't quite mean anything to them. I try so hard to make them happy. I try so hard to comply to everything they ask of me; I go a million miles but one way or another; I guess I'm never good enough. They just don't see me; its like I'm invisible. I suppose I need to start learning and quit draining myself emotionally ): I won't give up but maybe I need to love myself a little more. I dont deserve to be treated this way.

Funny..

seashells, seashells on the seashore (:

2009-11-08T11:32:00.006+08:00

Who are you; Really.

2009-11-05T18:13:00.005+08:00

Relationships and Marriages do not last on the mere fact that they married a lie. Who we really are and Who we would like to be are two different individual's. Who we want to be - is an ideal and usually its perfection unless we decide to be realistic. Most of the time, we say things for the sake of saying them or we say stuff that we would deem our potential better half would like to hear. I find that extremely deceptive.

I understand the whole concept of wearing masks - I'm sure I've stressed on this multiple times on my blog entries! When we show our true selves to people around us.. we fear disapproval and we certainly feel a very great deal of vulnerability. That's something I used to feel in the past but I don't anymore. Instead, I feel so guilt free being so true to my conscience. Its not about being a goody two shoes but rather loving and accepting ourselves for who we are.

I haven't exactly met a guy who I found to be worth my time just yet but I think I'm getting there. In the end, we get what we deserve (: I've never exactly gotten to the level of being in a relationship but I have come close. A relationship is a mere status.. a social one. Just because love goes un reciprocated, does not make it less real. People need to realize that.

I'm watching and I'm being observant on how people want each other for the wrong reasons, how they go in and out of relationships... from emotional ones to physical ones. How they never seem to learn about what really matters in the end. If you can't even have a solid friendship with someone; you can't have anything else.

No matter what we go through, remember its only for the best. No one is worth your tears because when you find someone who is; he/she would never make you cry. The love of my life lost his map! He's on his way and he's worth waiting for (:

"Everytime I feel like I'm all alone, He sends me the most amazing people who put the biggest smile on my face! I'm reminded that I'm not perfect and its okay to make mistakes. Its alright to cry; to feel all teared up inside at times and to know that I'm loved; Always.''

For Megen; Hang in there honey! (:

Better In Time

2009-11-03T18:03:00.005+08:00

I'm starting to enjoy Anthropology though I swear the introduction bit from the textbook certain took me ages to read! I had to practically force myself to read word for word and make some sense out of it! We've got a really good lecturer though. I think I like him best out of everyone. His jokes certainly keep us awake through the 7pm-10pm lecture on Mondays!

Human Evolution is definitely on my *favorite list*. I never thought about how being Indian is NOT a race but a nationality and technically there is no such thing as a ''race''. Which brings me to the point that if we were to classify ourselves to be in a particular race; it would be the *human race* and that's all there is to it. Each & every one of us were originated from Africa! and the reason behind being the colour that we are is influenced by the environment, the food we consume, genetics and so forth. I hope that makes you feel better about yourselves :P

- So people, I'm not Indian and I'm not in denial. Live with it (:

It's only the second week of Uni and we've already been assigned presentations for just about every module. Currently doing four modules - Anthropology, Exploring Psych 1 & 2 and Sociology. They are pretty inter-related though so I guess its just about remembering what to apply for which module haha.

It's finally starting to set in and I'm enjoying my classes! It's just the work load which is a bit of a killer but I think it'll get better in time once I come up with a schedule and manage to stick to it! :D My friend gave me a "good" excuse for wanting an IPhone. Since I'm the leader for presentations; I need an IPHONE to make sure we're all on track with our stuff! Especially since I've been given the highly sucky responsibility for typing him a report at the end and making copies for the class! :P Seriously though, I need SOMETHING digital to stay organized. Way too many dates and info! Pencil & Paper arnt too portable! *growls*

I'm starting to enjoy studying. Yes, that statement has shocked me aswell. Psych has always been my coping method after all. It's something that I don't just study but apply as well. It got me through each and every relationship and it certainly made me see things from a different perspective. A perspective so different; I would have been ignorant to it if I hadn't picked this fascinating subject as my major.

Survived the First Week of School!!

2009-10-31T18:47:00.006+08:00

Congrats my fellow freshies!!!; we've survived the first week of living hell! haha. Everyone's so overwhelmed and tensed up with all the upcoming presentations we have to prepare for, the day to day revision and not forgetting the hell loads of reading we're expected to do before each tutorial of our 4 modules. I actually mentioned hell* twice in one paragraph and it was unintentional so you can only imagine! :P

Uni's an exciting adventure. It's where you meet people from all walks of life. The friendly and the not so friendly. The frank and the hypocrites. The sociable ones and the ones who just want to be left alone. The decent ones and the other extreme! hahah. Alright I'm exaggerating! I've been meeting a bunch of pretty cool people so far and they're all really nice. I kind of expected it though, we're potential psychologists; gotta start acting the role! :P I think getting acquainted with the majority might take awhile though :)

I finish class around 10ish on Mondays and Fridays! Midnight classes; as Kate likes to call it! haha. It's not all that bad I guess. Shalini & I have planned to get all our school work/revision done for the day during our crazy breaks here & there before chucking everything in the locker at the end of the day and going home for a nice snooze! I think its a good plan! ^^

The only time I'm bringing home anything is on Fridays! It does seem like we have no life at the moment but JCU's pretty active when it comes to social events and club activities so there's my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! :D

SIGNED UP FOR TOAST MASTER'S CLUB! :D
~ I remember making a joke about that. A club that teaches one how to make perrrrrrrrfect toast! okay, I can't believe how lame I can get. Atleast it made people laugh.. I think? HAHA.

Tip of the day: ~Be your honest-true-self. Do not dress to impress or say things people want to hear & just let people get to know you & like you for who you are because if they can't, they aren't worth it honey! ;-)

JCU!

2009-10-19T22:18:00.008+08:00

~He's always listening even when I think he's not (:

There are times where he takes awhile but things eventually end up falling into place. No one said life was going to be easy. HE did however say that it would be worth it! Provided of course, we start to live it to the best of our potential. 20,000 days to make an impact. 20,000 days to self actualize. 20,000 days to build relationships. 20,000 days to fall in love. 20,000 days to learn from experiences/mistakes. 20,000 days to realize its worth it whether or not love ends up being reciprocated. 20,000 days to be like HIM. 20,000 days to realize that the perfect love you want so badly; that ultimate relationship you long for has always been with the one that lies dominant in your heart.

Looks like I've found myself a new job! I've become the potential boyfriend/girlfriend analyzer! My friends have been asking me to check out their potentials. Nice huh? Its sweet at the same time cause it shows how much they trust me and of course, I always promise them that I'll keep my views objective. I still stick to my statement *Anyone that can't get along with Shobha has major MAJOR issues!* hehe. It's lovely seeing them all happy and I enjoy teasing them when they start blushing! :P

I've got a 2-Day Orientation on the 21st and 22nd of this month before school officially starts the following week. I'm pretty excited!! Especially since I know a few people in advance already! (through Face book) Praise the lord for technology! Slightly less nerve wrecking now :P They seem extremely nice and I can't wait to get acquainted! University is like this brand new chapter and its an experience I certainly am looking forward to.

Guess its back to having no life *rolls eyes* :P Strangely, that doesn't seem to upset me one bit! :D

NFS: Would you take care of him? He means the world to me ):

The Race For Time

2009-10-12T09:31:00.004+08:00

I've been keeping busy the last couple of days. I visited my aunt and grandma, went to a few birthday dinners, had a couple of hang out's with people who matter, the usual gym routine, hell loads of reading and surprisingly; shopping! Not exactly the whole clothes & make up thing but more like stationary,folders and a study/reading lamp! It's about time I think! I dread reading with that that silly orange spotlight on lonely cold nights! haha. I've always been putting everyone's needs before my own, everyone's happiness before my own, basically just everyone comes before myself. I love how I do that :D but I think once in awhile, I need to do something nice for myself (:

We can't help who we fall in love with and the biggest assumption most of us make is that *we arn't good enough for them*; which is why love goes un-reciprocated; right? WRONG :P Each one of us looks for different characteristics in that someone. Not everyone is ready for a serious hardcore committed relationship that could actually lead somewhere. So my dear guys and girls, never let yourselves dwell in misery for there is always one person out there who is worth every ounce of your love.

I also realized that the person who isn't right for you TODAY; who is to say that he/she won't be right for you 10 years down the road? We change every single day, what we look for in someone changes aswell; however the major characteristics would stay put. Never compromise your morals.

We can't love someone we do not respect. There is no love without trust. Neither can you love anyone if you're unable to love yourself nor can you expect respect from anyone if you don't respect yourself and people around you. I like the way these things go hand in hand (:

I see myself as THE WAKE UP CALL. The Shobha hater's club is certainly growing! I can't help it though. When I love someone, Honesty becomes a priority; even if it means I risk losing them in the end. Love.. makes one an Idealist, A Truth Sayer, A Mirror to one another and a Soccer. NOT a Sucker! :P

P.S - Google might come in handy! ;-)

NFS: All I want is for him to find the happiness he deserves. Even if it means forgoing my own.

I work for him (:

2009-10-07T20:50:00.004+08:00

I love the way HE fills me up with love. I love the way HE comforts my heart. I love the way HE leaves the biggest smile on my face! I love the way HE reminds me that there's no one that loves me more then he does. It's only when you let go of the past, does he send you the next round of potentials for the present. I've never felt stranded and he has his ways of showing us that we're never alone (:

It took me awhile to realize that I'm pretty blessed. We all long for things we can't have. I've always longed to know what it's like to feel loved. Strange I know.. Maybe because, all my life I've been so busy loving people. Often; a little too much. Growing up without a dad, definitely made me grow up overnight. My mom has always been more of a friend; she has always failed to be an authoritative figure! I'm not sure how good or bad that is haha. As a result, I'm pretty strict with my little sister. My mom gives in way too much and since my sister's dad is hardly ever around, She knows how to get what she wants. That trick dosn't work with me though so I'm pretty much on my sister's hate list! :P

I have the tendency to give things my all. James used to tell me about how I shouldn't give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove themselves. He's right but that would mean I would have to put on a mask, until they prove themselves. That's something I find very hard to do. Not wearing a mask makes me extreamly vulnerable but you know what? It makes me see right through hypocrites and I love that :D

I've never drowned in self pity and I'm not going to start now. Just because I don't talk about my problems, does not mean I have none (: I guess I've just learnt to save myself and put on a smile that I don't need anyone to run to because I realized I'll always have one person in my life who meets all my needs. I'm in charge of just about everything at home including the finances! None of my friends have any idea how stressful it can get! but hey its a learning experience and because of what I'm put through, there's nothing I can't do! :D

NFS: This ''Angel'' prays for that Angel every single night (: The Angel was the GIFT and I have nothing but gratitude for the GIVER! (:

Dear Lord

2009-10-05T07:36:00.005+08:00

I know, I'm being used as an instrument; to help, to save and to influence. That often comes with the consequence of a major heart break but we all need to kiss a million ugly toads in order to find the prince. I'm not prepared to settle for less and everything you do (whether or not I see it at present), will always be for the best. All I know is, I certainly please you! In the end, we get what we deserve (: Give me the sincerity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can & The wisdom to know the difference.

NFS: I wish it didn't hurt this much to love someone.

If I say you're the one, would you believe me (:

2009-10-04T11:30:00.006+08:00

If I walk would you run?
If I stop would you come?
If I say you’re the one would you believe me?
If I ask you to stay, would you show me the way?
Tell me what to say, So you don’t leave me

The world is catching up to you
While your running away to chase your dreams,
Its time for us to make a move Cuz we are asking one another to change,
And maybe im not ready but I'll

Chorus:
Try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We’ve been hiding enough

If I sing you a song
Would you whistle along?
Or Wait till I'm gone?
Oh how we're pushing through
If I give you my heart would you just play the part,
Or tell me it’s the start, of something beautiful
Am I catching up to you,
While your running away to chase your dreams,
Its time for us to face the truth
Cuz we’re coming to each other to change,
And maybe I'm not ready but I'll

Try For Your Love,
I can hide Up Above,
I will try for your Love,
We've Been Hiding Enough

If I walk would you run
If I stop would you come
If I say you’re the one, would you believe me?

Try - Asher Book

This soundtrack was on 'FAME' and I practically fell in love with the lyrics and his voice! Is love portrayed in movies just a mere mythical illusion in reality? Do things like that really happen? Where people really go all the way for love.. or am I still living in my own fantasies? Maybe if I can't get the fairytale, I don't want it at all. It's funny how the simplest of things could make someone melt like that.

NFS: Prove to me that Angels exist..

Lovi'n my Bachelor's

2009-09-30T09:25:00.005+08:00

I'll be starting my Bachelor's with James Cook University (Singapore) on the 26th of October. I am so SIKED! Psychology has helped me get through each and every infatuation as well as all the obstacles that have been put before me through my 20 year life span. It has been an excellent coping method. Every single module is a new adventure and the best part of doing Psychology is the way it can always be related to one's life. You learn something new about people and yourself every single day! Its not like any of the other majors that put you to sleep during long lectures! haha. We become geniuses at mind games but I chose to opt out of that game because it comes with the consequence of crushing someone so badly. We become experts in predicting behaviors as well!

I think every guy that has liked me gets very intimidated when they find out my major. Personally, through Psychology; I found out what I want and what I do not want from a guy/a relationship. I want a guy who knows what he wants and pursues it. I want a guy who likes challenges and who raises up to my level instead of coming up with ways to drag me down to his. I want a guy who does not play games with my emotions. I want a guy who isn't my lover but someone I can call my best friend. That's someone I see myself spending the rest of my life with.

People are just plain weird. They choose to go into relationships, even when they don't see a future with that particular person. Its all about here and now; what a waste of time lol. I enjoy making people happy and I love the idea of doing it on a constant basis.

NFS: Funny how this feeling never seems to fade..

I hope there's a rainbow

2009-09-06T20:37:00.002+08:00

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

This song helps me hang on. I'll wait for the day where I can spread my wings and fly... perhaps make my own happy ending. Life has always been tough on me and sometimes I wish I had someone to lean on. It's not always about having that unrealistic desire of prince charming coming around and just saving you from the nightmare. It's about having that best friend who'll always be there with comforting hugs and ice cream.

Im not complaining about life but there are times where I wish people didn't expect me to fix everything.

NFS: Watch over him cause what hurts him, would kill me lol. My own emotions scare me!

The Writer's Streak

2009-08-30T12:15:00.002+08:00

This is like unbelieveable! I received a few offers to write colums today. A few offers in one day! Imagine that! I've always loved writing as much as reading. That would probably explain why my essays turn out pretty well, especially when I'm allowed to write my own views on things. I consider myself a thinker; an analyst perhaps. I question life, the importance of spending our 20,000 days (on average) wisely, our purpose - which believe it or not are RELATIONSHIPS and I probe in areas people would probably run away from; such as death.

Life's a blessing and Love's what keeps us going. Psychology certainly transformed me. I backtracked through my secondary school days last night. The person that I was back then and the person that I am now; we're so different. No longer insecure, no longer having self esteem issues, my confidence is over the edge! I crack the lamest jokes, I'm loud when I'm comfortable with the people I'm with and right now I laugh at the slightest thing and I make people laugh aswell (I bet most of the time, its my laughter that makes them laugh!) :D I love the person I am right now; I think I might have just reached my ideal self or well atleast I'm close to it!

Psychology is nothing but reasoning. Getting explanations to why people behave the way they do. To be frank, most of us that take up Psychology have lives that are filled with issues that we can no longer handle. One of the main reasons we take this challenging subject up is in order to rationalize and ''fix ourselves''. Of course the rationalizing works; Psychology makes you think deep thoughts. Its the fixing that dosnt quite work the way we hope it will.

As Psychologists, we're equipted with the knowledge, the skills and hopefully the passion (that should already exist). We can help every single person that wants to be helped, we can save every soul that wants to be saved but we can never save ourselves. The funny thing is, in the end, its someone that's not even in the psych field who comes along and saves us from ourselves. It's romantic love that saves us.

Interesting, isn't it? Dealing with the mind is a scary affair.

"A relationship is only a status..
A social status actually.. who cares if you are not boyfriend and girlfriend..
its what you feel; and what u feel will always stay.."

I comforted one of my friends with that phrase the other day. There are times where I don't even realize the things I'm saying. She reminded me of that phrase earlier today and I think she finally got the picture but it took me 5 minutes longer then her to understands these words that came out of my mouth and go ''omg... Did I really say that?'' lol. Its funny how my very own words comfort me. Seek and you shall find :)

NFS: I love him a little too much (:

Shobha the Strange!

2009-08-29T10:37:00.002+08:00

Current Read: Kissed By An Angel By Elizabeth Chandler

I have always loved reading; Maybe its the escape that it gives me from reality, Maybe its the reassurance that it gives me when I'm insecure, Maybe its one of my many coping methods, Maybe I just love letting my mind run with all the details or Maybe I just love how books leave a smile on my face before my head hits the pillow. It's nice going to bed; happy. Sometimes, when the people around just don't say the right words, books and fantasy seem to open up another world and give you the very same comfort you're looking for. Maybe they even do a better job.

I have few but true friends. The girlfriends who'll assure and reassure me of what I'm worth, who'll be there with comforting words and warm hugs when things go wrong. The guy friends who are pretty much gay buddies, who give me tons of love when I'm single and keep a distance when they think I'm not lol. One thing I know for sure - we're always TRULY loved (romantically), by at least one person; whether we know it or not, whether its reciprocated or not. It's chemistry and free will on our part to decide if this one special person is worth fostering a relationship with.

Love isn't as complicated as people make it out to be, if we learn to be honest and true to ourselves and that significant other. The problem is, most of the time; as much as we want to be, we're not. That's the part I don't get and probably never will. When we love someone, how do we find it in our hearts to choose to hurt them? I'd rather be over sensitive to someone's feelings and emotions then being insensitive. I'd rather be hurt by someone then to actually hurt someone.

When I look at my life, I realize I'm already making an impact. My friends say the sweetest things. The way they feel so comfortable about being themselves around me, The way they say that no one else gets them the way I do, The way my company makes them laugh the loudest, The way I inspire guys to want to be better and better... just because they want to deserve me. All these random remarks are what make me hang on; knowing there are people who would never take me for granted, who see me for who I am, who consider me a blessing. I am not the blessing. DADDY works through me and the credit for who I am will always go to him.

Guys get what they deserve

2009-08-25T10:37:00.000+08:00

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you.

I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging.

Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent sweet beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth?

And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because there in lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances.

You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend - - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

- Author is annoymus however her views astound me.

Even when the nice girl is standing out there in the pouring rain, with a radio over her head and yelling that she loves you; tells you she would let you have that last slice of cheesecake, lets you have control over the remote and even makes sure you're comfortable if you ended up falling asleep on the couch. Regardless; You guys do the next best possible thing - You walk away. Why would an *I love you* need a time bench mark of how long you've known each other. How is it that no one sees how its not important to know every detail about that someone in order to fall in love.

The nice girl won't hang around forever when every guy that walks through her door fails to treasure her and takes her for granted just because they think she'll always stick around; that's when your wrong. The nice girl gets sick of waiting, gives up on fairy tale endings and realizes that maybe no guy would treat her right, she'll break her heart in the softest possible way and murder her own emotions because no one proved to be worth it.

I'll work my little miracles

2009-08-18T11:48:00.002+08:00

I've got so much love in me, it feels like I'm about to explode. Many a time, I'm asked, what is it that I love about myself. My subtle answer is - my heart. It pisses me off that I care too much about people who might not deserve this much of me. Yet, I think we're pigments that come from the same diamond. I see the light in each and every person; no matter how messed up they are.

I feel so blessed at the moment. I feel like I already have everything I need and I feel this overwhelming rush of happiness. I feel as though I'm on a mission. A mission to work miracles, A mission to save hearts, A mission to make the biggest difference I can possibly make. I'm just an imperfect human being who's gonna go all out to save people who want to be saved. My mission is to make him happy cause when I took one step towards him, he took a hundred towards me.

I give every ounce of myself to people around me until they prove to be unworthy. Once I'm done with someone, I'm done! I don't go back and neither do I make room for regrets. I follow my heart practically all the time, my mind rationalizes between the things that are worth doing and things that are not and then the *actions* take place. This is a rather weird way of putting it but yes, that's what runs through the complicated mind of Shobha Chandrel.

I'm the easiest person to love yet I'm the most challenging! YOU decide if I'm worth it :) There's nothing I wouldnt do to make you happy; I'll pass every test you throw at me but will you pass DADDY'S? (:

Friends

2009-08-15T09:49:00.001+08:00

We meet someone new every now and then. I believe people are sent into our lives for a purpose. We go through change, we see things from another person's perspective, we get back in touch with people we've known in our past, we lose certain people in the present and we embrace new potential friendships.

I woke up with one of my famous 100 watt smiles today thanks to an original, personalized good morning text from someone I knew way back in my kiddy years. We've changed over the years (obviously) but it's fantastic to have found this much common ground! I'm so gonna plan a re-union kindergarten dinner or something at the end of the year. I've always enjoyed event planning, as exhausting as it can be! Some friendships are worth trying to save :)

James has always been an awesome buddy. This is one person I know I can always count on for advice, support and encouragement. He can make me smile even when there's turbulence! We made a pact to double date someday when we've found our significant other. I really don't know, but the guy's pretty optimistic about the whole thing!

It's not about knowing the other or trying to understand the other. There are so many sides to a person and sometimes, even one whole lifetime together alone is not enough so I guess the significant other will always remain a mystery. It's still cool in a way. How can being mysterious not be sexy to a certain extent! I seriously think that's what keeps the spark alive! haha. The whole idea is just never taking each other for granted; that's what makes us sabotage relationships and we'll end up losing that one special person in the end.

Injury and Trauma

2009-08-10T21:37:00.003+08:00

As awesome as medical technology is; Ancient greeks have always believed in listening to the body. Did you know that the body can heal itself in times of crisis? There are times where the victim suffers injuries so severe that even medical professionals can't help all at one go. All they can do is give the body time to heal before proceeding with further treatment. Injury and trauma rate first place on this planet compared to all other aliments!!

Here's another thing we often take for granted - One drop of blood is made out of 5 million red blood cells.

Being born is a short and hazardous journey through the birth canal. This is the first and probably the worse kind of trauma we would ever experience in our life times. It's that bad. However, many of us fail to realize what we've been put through many years back as we have no recollection of this event.

According to medical science and research, being cold could actually be a good thing. After one goes through the state of shock (after an accident); his/her blood pressure drops, blood drains from essential organs before the body starts to cool. The body goes through something called the flight or fight process - It's an instinct that humans have. It goes back to good o'l cavemen days! Basically, when we feel intimidated or in immediate danger. Our bodies have this instinctual response (I'm using this word very lightly. Human beings don't exactly have instincts, we have intellect). To flight (run) or fight ( go for it or attack it) or fright (shut down and give up). Animals have it to, which is used when they are being attacked by other animals.

This theory would explain why some individuals can get quite aggressive if they're still in a conscious state of mind after an accident.

If 3 minutes of oxygen is compromised, the victim would end up with permanent head damage. Its only when we make a narrow escape from death; Things we once took for granted, we start to concentrate on them now.

I have always been fascinated by the way we're created. How everything can function so well on the inside, How we repair ourselves both physically and emotionally through sleep and of course reproduction! It's such a marvel :)

Sources: Principle of Neural Science, Super Human - BBC Knowledge.

Life

2009-08-08T09:00:00.003+08:00

I like what this random stranger I met recently mentioned. ''you're beautiful and never let anyone tell you otherwise'' That was a random statement yet at the same time, the compliment made me smile. When people can actually see right through the person that you are and not call you weird or telling you change should be on your agenda; nothing gets better than that. Then of course, he's 32 so he knows better. There are certain things I'll never be able to change about myself. For example, caring too much. I know I do that all the time even when people probably do not even deserve it. This trait just makes me who I am and I rather people just accept me for who I am then try and change me. At the very least, I know where I should draw the line now :)

I've finally found stuff to do to kill time for the next 2 months or so. I'm gonna experiment on recipes as well as baking, I'm gonna do a bunch of reading, I'm gonna start preparing myself for my Bachelor's, Spending time with grandma and my aunt and of course random hang out's with people I care about. Probably doesn't sound so awesome to most of you guys but hey! It makes me happy :D I really give a lot of emphasis to who I choose to spend my time with.

I really need a break though. I wish I could get away for a few days from harsh reality. Most of my friends have pretty tight schedules so that rules them out. Maybe I'll convince mom to take a few days off or else, my last resort will be going somewhere on my own. I didn't quite like the idea in the first place but its sinking in. I enjoy my own company after all.

There have been people who have asked me why I find the beach so intriguing... its cause I feel the closest to the creator of the cosmos when I'm there. The beach has always helped me to come to decisions about a lot of things that have been hanging on my mind.

I wanna get a place by the beach/ocean someday, have my very own rose or vegetable garden, maybe even a swing!, get a dog and all that. I'm also thinking of being a freelance writer later in life. Dreams are certainly... Nice. They give us that little boost of motivation and keep us going when we're faced with setbacks. This is certainly one dream I would love to fulfill and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to achieve that! :D

I love the idea of living each day like my last :)

2009-07-28T00:17:00.003+08:00

This is one of the most challenging tasks I have faced; To be brutally honest, I'm still not able to do it as well as I wish I could. Some days I can and some days, don't go as planned! The whole idea of living each day as if it were my last came from an inspiring teacher I had in 2005. He obviously didn't waste his time! :) I think a lot of the time words that need to be said, go unsaid and we procrastinate cause we decide to leave it to tomorrow. We can't help it - maybe it's human nature but I still think its something we should fight against. What if tomorrow never comes? What would we have done different if we knew today would be our last? That question lingers in my mind a lot.

I'm someone that never believed in leaving room for regrets. This makes me a pretty straight forward person and basically, most of the time, I know exactly what I want. I don't believe in wasting time or wasting someone else's time for that matter! I say what I mean and I do what I say, I give people the benefit of the doubt, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I treat each person with love & respect; as an equal! until they prove to be unworthy and deceptive. Often a time, only a handful of people actually make it in my book. Mainly because, 99% of the time, people wear a mask. Of course, I have no right to judge anyone and I can't force change down anyone's throat but I can take charge of my life and live up to my ideals.

It took me awhile but indefinitely, I did realize that people who are sent into my life... are sent for a reason/for a purpose. It takes me awhile to figure out the reason. However, if they stay on or if they leave; they make an impact. They change me and maybe I influence change on them; for the better of course.

The line *Each failed relationship, makes you a better lover* holds so true. We learn from trail and error, from our own mistakes and if we're not so ignorant, we learn from other people's mistakes as well. I think that's where I fall in. My entire life, I learned from the mistakes of everyone else. Starting from my dad I guess... I never knew him but I've always had this huge void that nothing could fill and it hurt so bad. As a child, it made me so frustrated with him and I didn't even know why. As I grew, I realized... I just thought I had to be mad but in actual fact, I never was.

The most hilarious part would be that ''hate'' that I thought existed actually turning into ''love''. I don't know him at all but I forgave him, I wished him well, I hoped he was happy, I hoped he had a family of his own and that made me feel so much better about myself. Dad taught me exactly how NOT to be. He made me strive even more to have a healthy relationship with someone, someday. He only made me stronger.

I just had no idea on how to deal with things back then. So much has changed, I probably grew up faster then I should have. Lucky me or should I say I'm blessed enough to have an amazing aunt who can answer almost every one of my questions about anything and everything! and who's emotional support I can always count on. I feel alone in this world as it is and it's not a fantastic feeling.

I am not depressed but there are times where I wish the bigger DAD would just come for me and take me away from the human race. However, I know I have to stay on because I'm on a mission. I am not a superhero and as much as I wish I could save this word, its highly unlikely that I can :) I did tell my spiritual father to use me though ... even if it means setting myself up for one heart break after another. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him because I feel so indebted. He means so much to me, he's the only person I dare to love TOO much, the only one I dare to rely on cause he'll never leave the way... everyone else will.

I don't have commitment phobia or relationship phobia the way I am expected to because I believe every relationship is an emotional experience and I am so determined to make my own happy ending! We've only got 20,000 days. The wise thing to do is to build up on yourself and be the best person you can possibly be. Love will always be a bonus and your better half will act as a compliment to what you already are :)

My blog probably depresses a lot of people but I'm an Idealist! I can't help it. I practice what I preech :)

Day Care Adventures & Horse Back Riding!

2009-07-24T21:44:00.006+08:00

I got a job at TCC (service crew)
I got a job at the Singapore Zoo (events)
MOE calls my name! *rolls eyes* :P

However, all three have strings attached that I do not quite like!

You know what's funny? I think I liked my daycare job best. I had so much fun bonding with the little toddlers though it was extremely exhausting! I used to get home, take a quick shower and just literally collapse on my bed! lol. I had 6 kids in my class ages from 18mths - 4 yrs. It was insane! David loved playing with water from the toilet bowl! Rayus was really hyper - he could run all over the place; all day long! I used to get so frightened that he might fall & hurt himself. I had to grab him like wonder woman! Eunice was very emotionally attached to me - She would cry if I put her down or gave my attention to other children. Chanel loved bugging the babies - she certainly entertained herself. The babies however weren't very happy with all the unwanted patting! Sam & Timothy were twins; They were always up to mischief but for some reason they liked me enough to get the other kids settled when I looked like I was about to die LOL. So they are practically angels when things get tough & trouble makers when its too peaceful! :D I think I burned lots of calories running after them though :P I miss my darlings so very much!

I had a fantastic day with the kids from RDA today though. After they had their rounds of horse back riding, Sydney (the horse) took me for a ride. It was really nice. I have Jerome to thank! :) There are times where I look at them and I'm on the verge of tears; wishing we could switch places. Even with their physical disabilities, they always have a smile on their face. When I'm more quiet than usual, they sense sadness; grab hold of my hand and give me a big hug. Children tend to bring out my widest of smiles. They have a way of making me forget all about reality and seeing things in a different light. They inspire me to be the best I can possibly be and put my entire self out there.

I can't be like everyone else. I can't sit back and do nothing. Thanking DADDY that I'm in the pink of health is not good enough. I started off with calling him God, I moved on to Rainbow and now; he's DADDY! haha. The word seems almost alien to me, I've never called anyone Dad; ever. I feel so weird even mentioning it but maybe I'll feel like I missed out less if I start calling him DAD now. Someday, if I'm daring enough to get married, I hope I end up with super nice parent-in law's :) I think that's the most realistic prayer I can come up with.

Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows neither. It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery and to take the other for granted is insulting and disrespectful. Each relationship is only an experimentation to prepare us for the ultimate relationship, for the ultimate love affair. That's what religiousness is all about - Osho.

We human beings are here for relationships and its not just about romantic ones. That's the whole idea. When Osho talks about the ultimate relationship, he refers to our higher self or in layman's terms, the one up there aka God. He is the ultimate; He's perfection but again; we're human and therefore we need another human being to relate to :)

2009-07-18T00:07:00.005+08:00

Truth is within ourselves; it takes no rise. From outward things, whatever you may believe. There is an inn most center in us all, where truth abides in fullness and around. Wall upon wall, the gross flesh hems it in. This perfect, clear perception - which is truth.

A baffling and preventing carnal mesh blinds it and makes all error: and to know .. Rather consists in opening out a way. Whence the imprisoned splendor may escape, Than in effecting entry for a light supposed to be without.

- By Robert Browning

On the surface, perhaps it may not be obvious that religious truth must necessarily open out more completely to the soul as temporarily loosened from the body, than to the soul as taking cognizance of ideas through the medium of the physical sense. But to ascend into a realm of immateriality, where cognition becomes a process of pure reception, while the intellectual faculties are in full play and centered in the immaterial man, must manifestly be conductive to an enlarged comprehension of religious truth

- The Occult World, A.P Skinner

In love, there is gratitude, there is a deep gratefulness. You know that the other is not a thing. You know that the other has a grandeur, a personality, a soul, an individuality. In love, you give total freedom to the other.

Love as creativity is a tremendously significant idea. Love is not only as a relationship between two static people, but love as a creative whirlpool, love as a dance, so fast, at full speed, that it is difficult to find who is the lover and who is the beloved. As the dance goes on becoming more and more deep, the dancers disappear and only the dance remains.

- Osho

Emotional Expressions

2009-07-15T00:59:00.002+08:00

Today went very interestingly. I suspected that one of my ex students was being physically abused. Turns out, I was right. It was very well hidden but I tend to be pretty observent on the whole. Especially since I knew this particular kid pretty well. I was blown away by his concern on a particular occasion where I was feeling pretty low but I didn't think anyone noticed. I'm the queen of cover-up's and fake smiles haha. Somehow, he managed to see that something was not quite right. He actually got me a bottle of Green Tea and a bar of chocolate after class! I couldn't stop smiling after that :D

Till today, I have no idea how he figured out what my fav drink was and chocolate! ahhhhh! In addition to that, This charming young man is only 7. Though, that event was what made me take a very deep interest in this child; Unconciously, it did make me pay more attention to him. Amazed me how he could be so perceptive at that age! Its funny how its the little things that make the biggest impacts and how we always end up remembering those tiny events that most people would think nothing of.

I'm glad I've been in constant contact with him and a few others. I think teachers have a huge responsibility and anything that dosn't seem right, should be investigated. I know plenty of people who would rather turn a blind eye even when they do notice bruises on a child. I personally; wouldn't be able to live with myself. Children have different ways of crying for help. One technique that is pretty common among the young ones is expressing themselves through art.

Kids are not that hard to read and they certainly are very emotional beings. Most of their emotions don't get expressed the way its supposed to. Lets say, they were emotionally hurt, instead of being all down & gloomy, they might throw tantrums and get very frustrated. Its their way of getting attention. However, some adults have that problem aswell. I for one, have a problem with getting frustrated and if I was, I have problems with verbally venting it out on another individal. Its really strange but its true. I think too much about how the other person will react; Intentionally or even unintentionally hurting someone is something I can't bring myself to do.

My way of handling it, is just giving myself enough time and space to calm down before bringing it up in a conversation. We all know how words said cannot be taken back and when we are frustrated, we don't think too much about what we're saying. So often a time, we say things we don't mean. It's pretty unfortunate

Maslow.

2009-07-13T22:00:00.005+08:00

I have been taking a fine interest in Maslow's characteristics of Self Actualizers from his case studies. I read his stuff and I feel as sane as a 2 year old! Okay, maybe that wasn't the best of comparisons! Bottom line: As insane as I drive myself and everyone else sometimes OR as insane as someone drives me!; There are certain things I know that will always hold true. I can really relate to this guy cause I find myself with similar traits! There are 15 characteristics to his study.

#1 Efficient perception of reality - They do not let their own wishes and desires colour their perceptions. Consequently, they are able to detect the deceitful and fake.

I see through people like a mirror. This explains why the mask they grip on to so firmly drops off in due time. It gets exhausting when you try to be someone you're not.

#2 Acceptance of themselves, others and nature or fate - They realize that people, including themselves, make mistakes and have frailties and they accept this fact. They do not always evaluate others, categorizing them as good or bad. They accept natural events, even disasters, as part of life.

We are only human and its through mistakes that we learn and gain experience. Mistakes are an essential learning process but it works just as well, if we're able to learn from another individual's short comings as well.

#3 Spontaneity - Their behaviour is marked by simplicity and honest naturalness. They do not put on airs or strain to create an effect. They trust their impulses.

We like being ourselves and we expect people to accept us for who we are. We don't need to prove anything to anyone. If you take time to know us, you'll have no problems with trying to understand.

#4 Problem Focus - They have an interest in the larger philosophical and ethical problems of their times. Petty issues hold little interest for them.

Most of the time, we create our own problems whether its intentional or not. Our deepest empathy goes out to to individuals that are really at their lowest (literally)and take it as a challenge to make a difference in their lives.

#5 Affinity for solitude - They are comfortable with being alone.

Being alone, gives you time to think things through. It helps with coming to resolutions. We realise that we need to turn within when loneliness strikes. Everything else, is just temporary.

#6 Independence from culture and environment - They do not go in for fads. They prefer to follow their self determined interests.

Its not about how far it takes you, how much money it brings in or etc. Its about following your interests/dreams. Its like fulfilling that satisfaction.

#7 Continued freshness of appreciation - They have a ''beginner's mind'', for which every event, no matter how common, is experienced as if for the first time. They appreciate the ordinary and find pleasure and awe in the mundane.

We learn not to take things and people for granted. We treat every human being as a unique individual and we never characterize people of similarity together.

#8 More frequent peak experiences. A peak experience us a momentary feeling of extreme wonder, awe and vision. Sometimes called the ''oceanic feeling''. Some people refer to them as ''mystical experiences'', although Maslow said they often come during ordinary day to day activities such as while out jogging or while cooking dinner. They are special experiences that appear to be very meaningful to the person who has one.

This is pretty hard to elaborate on. Its like finding yourself at a stand still all of a sudden; even the word self realization, appears to be an understatement. Its a feeling like no other and it can only be explained when you face it.

#9 Genuine desire to help the human race. Although many self actualizes were great and important people in history; ordinary people can be self actualized as well. All self actualizers however tend to have a deep and sincere caring for their fellow humans.

There isnt a need to be rich or famous in order to be a self actualizer and make a difference. We choose who we want to be and believe me, the angels sing when you resist temptation! ;) I care about human beings so much cause every one of us is apart of him. Thats the closest statement I could think of that explains why I feel the way I do.

#10 Deep ties with relatively few people. Although they care deeply about others, they have relatively few very good friends. They tend to prefer being extreamly private and allow only a few people to really know them.

I think I like this characteristic best. Personally, it holds true. The problem is we are social misfits cause we chose to be different and showing the real us to people, will only send them running for their lives. We tend to be a real challenge! However, if you are true... we open up and you'll realize the hidden extrovert within :)

#11 Democratic values - They respect and value everyone and are not prejudiced in terms of holding stereotypes about people based on superficial characteristics, such as race, religion, sex and age.

Basically, we accept people for who they are.

#12 Ability to descriminate between means and ends. They enjoy doing something for its own sake, rather them simply doing something for the goals the activity can fufill. For example they may take up gardening not so much for the vegetables but because they take pleasure in the process of gardening.

There are no motives. We do the things we do for pure pleasure and satisfaction. Like they say, its the journey that counts; not the ending!

#13 Philosophical sense of humor - Most humor is an attempt to make fun of a perceived inferiority of a person or group of people. Self actualizers do not think such jokes are funny. Instead, what they find funny are examples of human foolishness in general. Their humor tends to be more thoughtful and philosophical.

Human foolishness - hell yeah! We're careful with our choice of words and sensitive to the feelings of people around.

#14 Creativity can be thought of as the ability to see connections between things - connections that no one has seen before. They are more likely to be creative because of their fresh perception of even ordinary things.

A perceptive individual is dangerous :) We see through lies and deciet and Psychology has no part to play in this. When we find out the true morally unacceptable intentions that people have, we're done with them.

#15 Resistance to encultration - Cultures tell us how to behave, how to dress and even how to interact with another individual. Self actualizers remain detached from culture bond rules and resist being immersed in the requirements of society. They often appear different from and act differently than the crowd.

We believe in creating our own style! The whole idea of going with the crowd, does not work with us. We're extreamly comfy with ourselves and we personally do not care about what people think. We stand out from the crowd as ''misfits'' but we know, who we really are and we're proud of it! :)

I might be right or wrong about the whole elaboration bit. This is just from a personal point of view and probably every individual would come up with a different concept on what Maslow was trying to explain.

Happy 51st, Mom.

2009-07-12T22:00:00.006+08:00

Mommy turns 51 today ~ Happy Birthday! We ended up having cake for breakfast. I know its pretty weird ... maybe the cake just looked too irrisistable haha. I made us Pizza for lunch (with three different kinds of cheese!). I'm seriously nuts about cheese :D It turned out pretty well for a first attempt; if I don't say so myself. After washing the dishes, I cleaned the entire house. Believe or not, my ''spring cleaning Sunday'' only ended around 730pm.

Mom never has time for chores, her job occupies too much of her time and I think my sister adds to it! So yeah, that's how things pile up around here! I'm pretty happy with my space... Its so neat and tidy! haha. I'm aching all over though! ): However, I reckon I'll sleep like a baby tonight!

I just checked out United Nation's cultural body - Unesco; that launched a World Digital Library or that some even call the ''intellectual cathedral'' that came about sometime in late April. You definitely gotta check it out of you are someone that's interested in manuscripts, maps, rare books, fims, sound recordings, prints & photographs that go back all the way to 8000BC!! Pretty cool stuff. I've added the link to my list of 'Favourites' for those of you who are interested! :D

You wouldn't believe what I'm up to at this time of the night - Looking at reviews for cosy places to dine! As usual, the only thing I care about is anything that's covered in chocolate! Now you know how to win my love people! hehe.

Twilight ;)

2009-07-07T18:50:00.010+08:00

HAPPY 5TH MONTH OF GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER, ANGEL :)

I've been reading at least 2-3 chapters of Twilight every night. Think it's kind of like my bed time story now! It's hard not to fall for Edward Cullen. Don't get me wrong, It's not the actor (Robert Pattinson) I love, Its the non existent character in reality that he plays in Twilight; that puts a big wide smile on my face.

The whole idea of even the mere thought that someone out of the ordinary can exist; fascinates me. Nothing to do with him being a vampire; It's just how he's so in love and protective of her, how he's always there ... Of course, he has his flaws as well -the possessiveness. But overall, he's a total sweetheart. He makes her feel as though she's the only girl around.

I think Twilight is the only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment. I've got too much free time on my hands and we all know how thoughts linger like crazy when we have TOO much time to think! I'm not bending my hopes or having any expectations of anyone, anymore. That would just result to me hurting myself; I think I've hurt myself enough these past 20 years!

Love ... will only be a bonus. It'll be like strawberries and whipped cream on top of a perfectly good chocolate fudge cake! or maybe even a Oreo cheese cake! Don't judge me people! I can't decide and I've got a cake craving :P I'm not in a hurry to jump into a relationship. If he finds me, he finds me & if he doesn't? I'll live.

Feels like I've been making significant progress when it comes to opening up. I'm actually out of my shell and I can strike a conversation with any tom, dick or harry! I am myself with everyone. I don't care if I scare people off with being so deep. This is who I am; I don't wear a mask and I am soooooo comfortable with myself!

There have been a few random guys both online and in reality who have told me that they regard me as a potential girlfriend or that they have feelings that cross the boundaries of Friendship. I smile... because... They see right through me, They see me for who I am, They realized the sexiest part of a human being; is the mind, They realized personality conquers physical attractiveness any day. The question is ... Is she worth it? There aren't many people like that. There aren't many people who's actions would prove louder than words either.

Of course, I had to draw the line, I would never lead someone on if I had no romantic interest in them. I promised myself that I would never hurt anyone intentionally. It's just nice to know, I can be liked/loved for the right reasons and when you really love me and know me well enough, you wouldn't change me because you'll realize, the best part of me is you.

I really like *Bella's lullaby*, I wish I could play it but I can't read music ): Maybe I'll get lucky by just trying to get the tune on my own. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to but it's gonna take me awhile! ahhhh! :D

Time Flies!

2009-07-02T23:21:00.004+08:00

I can't believe how long it's been since the last time I rambled on here! School and assignments have hogged my time so badly that I hardly had time for any reflections. To think, I thought of myself as someone who had amazing time management skills! I have quite abit of updating to do but I shall try not to scare my fellow followers off by squeezing your brains too much. Thou shall not sin :P

I am just about done with school for now. The recent module I completed was on Therapeutic Interventions aka Counselling. Apart from all the knowledge, there was also a lot of self discovery involved. I pretty much enjoyed it and I think Mr Lawrence did a pretty fine job with carrying it out :) I'll be starting on my Bachelors sometime in October. I'm pretty frightened yet there's still this tingling sensation of excitement that lingers within.

A new environment; New friends and the whole idea of starting over! Ahhhh none of us like change. Who likes moving out of their comfort zone! Change could work both ways but its always nice to be optimistic. I still think everything happens for the best (though we may not always see it as the best at that particular moment). We should stop taking things, opportunities & people we care about for granted.

Psychology has always been one of my coping methods, Its like this whole new world, bringing the unconscious to conscious and just seeing a whole different side to a human being that goes un noticed to layman. Its so intriguing that every step is just plain fascinating!

I wouldn't know what I'd do without Psych. It was the closest thing I could find that really gave me an opportunity to make good use of my potential. There's more to being a psychologist than just getting distinctions. Good grades are just the fundamental in order to reach greater heights where education or career (at the later part of it) is concerned. The end of Education is supposedly Character. Its actually hilarious cause seems to me like, the opposite effect is taking place! haha.

I believe, people are sent into our lives for a reason. Sometimes they stay, other times they leave. Its un wise to wish that they'd stick around forever cause we each have the freedom to choose who's worth it and who's not. The thing about love, is setting is free; you just want that special person to be happy with or without you.

waiting for your call..

2009-03-11T08:00:00.005+08:00

"When you are true to your heart, everything gets taken care of."

Our ideal partner usually consists of different characteristics but its perfection nevertheless. When it comes to finding someone in reality, we look for the closest thing to that ideal.

I want a mirror who points out my flaws. I want a best friend. I want a soul mate.

It's funny how so many of us have lost the human touch. When I look at people at the top and back at myself, I pray I don't lose myself. Not like I doubt I will but things like that often happen without conscious awareness. It scares me.

He sends me angels to cope with the present. Angels who turn out to be random strangers. It's strange. Rainbow has always been there for me. He's the only one I can love without worrying how much it's gonna hurt if I lose him. He's the only one I can give my entire heart to knowing it won't come back broken.

People come into our lives with a purpose and when it's over, they leave. Either that or it was just not meant to grow into anything else so Rainbow removes them. I could never get pissed at him, his plan is always better than mine.

"The proof of the rain is the wetness on the ground''

Perception triumphs over proof or at least, in my opinion it does.

My friends tend to see right through my fake smiles & laughs. I guess I'm happiest when I'm around people that I care about :)

Religion, Spirituality, Silly Human Beings (part one)

2009-02-27T14:05:00.007+08:00

Isn't it funny how ... It's the ones you love most, The ones you would go to the ends of the earth for, The ones who you would even sacrifice your life for (knowing you'll do it again and again and again)... end up being the very the same ones that you can't save? It's a torture to see the one you love suffer or in agony.. Its a helplessness that kills one from the inside. It's not exactly just about wanting the satisfaction from saving someone. In fact, its far from it.

Maybe its true that one can never be heart broken. Maybe 'mind broken' was the right term for it. However, how's that illusion explained? There is a distinct difference between the heart and soul. I'm not gonna bring religion in. As much as religion tends to set a good foundation to spirituality, I despise the way people focus on the rituals rather than the teachings (which is basically the whole point of religion). Maybe its blind faith? Why it is a ''sin'' to question anyways? I don't think its appropriate to brush away such thoughts. It all starts with the inquisitive mind of a child. Don't you think kids would take religion more seriously if they understood the purpose of these things?

It would take someone of great wisdom to question why we do the things we do. Human beings have come far. I mean, look at how advanced science is? They still have a long way to go though and a very long list of unanswered questions. Than there's the whole dogma and doctrine thing :) Science may be advancing but I do not like the human race anyway. How is it that we're so shallow and ignorant?

I really do not belong here. I feel like I'm someone of another species trying to fit into society and failing miserably. I cannot cast my morals aside, I cannot throw away my principles, I can never be deceptive or have a motive behind all my intentions. I could never use any of my friends. I could/would never cheat on someone. I treat people the same way I would like to be treated but at the same time, I do it without expectations. Maybe this is the world and in order to succeed, there's a certain way one must act. You know what? I choose to be different. I choose to stand out. Maybe its a silly decision, maybe it wont get me anywhere but at least I can go to bed knowing rainbow is smiling at me.

There's no such thing as God but Rainbow's my version of God. Spiritual Teacher = God. Not everyone needs a teacher or god for that matter. However, the idea of concerting to another religion is silly cause all ways lead to him (quoted from the bible). To each its own I guess. I'll have more to say on this; soon! I think religion on the whole should be a subject taught at school. Compare the similarities instead of the differences :)

I hope my Dad is happy. I hope Grandma will stay safe. I hope my Aunt gets the happiness she deserves. I hope my Mom stops creating her own problems. I hope my buddy James, realizes his potential and gets everything he wants in life. All I ask and will ever ask of Rainbow is for him to take care of the people I love. I want absolutely nothing but.. strength to take whatever comes. The good, the bad & the ugly..

It's strange.. no matter what crap life puts me through, no matter how great the sadness, I know I will pull through. I always do. Its everyone else I worry about and maybe that's the reason why I care about people more than I do about myself. Maybe being this nice is stupid but its who I am and I embrace myself for that.

Stuck on you

2009-02-18T10:04:00.004+08:00

I've been coughing & sneezing since Valentine's. I dread being sick but I dread visits from Asthma even more! Than again, who doesn't right? I have myself to blame for spending hours in the cold-dusty library. Than of course, the abnormal weather we've been having & the haze has contributed significantly! ):

On the brighter side of things, I'm only left with one more assignment to complete in addition to the revision I've gotta do before the exams!! STUDY STUDY STUDYYYYYY!

Righty & Lefty Brain.

2009-01-30T13:11:00.004+08:00

Since one of my modules this term is on Neuro Psychology, I figured reading up on some articles and blogging about it would do me some good. This is nothing compared to the overkill we experience in class on Thursdays & Fridays though ... DRAINED.

Left Brain: Processes information bit by bit, Sequential: A to B to C, Looks at detail, Splits the world into identifiable bits and pieces, Looks for cause and effect, Focuses on information, Uses words to name-describe and define, Deductive: draws a specific conclusion from broad premises, Can remember complex motor sequences and asks ''How''?

Right Brain: Processes information all at once, Simultaneous, Looks at the whole, Connects the world into a related whole, Looks for relationship, Focuses on emotions, Uses pictures-shapes & colors, Inductive: draws a general conclusion from specific premises, Can remember complex images and asks ''Why''.

I came across this article in the papers sometime back on 'Battle of the sexes'. The whole Man Versus Woman phenomenon. The diagram was fascinating yet hilarious. However, I decided that we could do without the details as its creditability is questionable. I don't wanna stereotype! I thought it would be interesting to state down some stuff I read about before we make a comparison between the two genders. Don't judge me! :D

Men: Can only do one thing at a time. They are blind to body language. They see better over long distance but have bad peripheral vision so are incapable of 'perving' (oggling) at attractive women subtly. They have the tendency to silently talk to themselves and listen like statues! They speak between 2000 and 4000 words a day. They have highly developed spatial skills and can navigate, three - point turn and parallel park easily. They hate being wrong even to the point of never asking for directions when lost. Men hide emotions, hate advice and see it as their duty to offer solutions. They value things and work.

Women: Ability to multi task. Suss out people within seconds by using intuition and interpreting body language. See better peripherally so they can perv at men without getting caught and even catch men at it! They think aloud and can listen as well as talk simultaneously. They speak between 4000 - 8000 words per day; mostly about their feelings. They have less developed spatial skills and can do all that only with practice. They use discussing and admitting problems as a way of bonding. They are openly emotional and hate it when men offer solutions all the time. They value people and relationships.

How accurate are these descriptions? I have no idea. I reckon this can differ from person to person. Anyways, I just thought it was interesting to have some idea on one's gender and the opposite gender. I bet we fit into one or more of these characteristics though.

I like this quote Albert Einstein came up with... ''When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. Einstein's examples use two familiar situations to hit home an enduring scientific truth that perception can alter reality.

His fundamental challenge to the place of rigid absolutes will have all the more extensive application in a 21st century of rapid information flow, volatile economies and frequent re-adjustments of mindsets. This new universe has no room for blind dogma or resistance to change! I seriously admire the man!

Shobha is lagging behind on her assignments and revision once again. Is anyone surprised? I didn't think so. STOP BEING LAZY! 0_0''

Credits: Strait Times, Science Today, Effective Learning: Whole Brain Learning.

She turns 20 today! (:

2009-01-19T09:29:00.009+08:00

Thoughts of Dad always come around during my birthday every year. I'm past the hatred and everything. Its the whole idea of not knowing what its like to have an overprotective dad who's a pain in the ass, who never sees you as a grown up, who threatens your boyfriends and wants you to be home before midnight on weekends that I miss. I don't know what it's like when I really wish I did. Then again, that's just my description of a fantasy dad and mine might not have been that way. However, I've forgiven him and maybe a part of me even loves him. I hope he has moved on, the way I have or at least tried to & I truly hope he's happy.

I got a call from California Fitness on my way to school this morning. They actually called to wish me & as a ''birthday treat'' they're gonna throw in a personal training session :D That was a good way of starting out my morning I guess. I'm surprised that this time round, almost everyone I care about remembered! Class was same-old, same-old. For the first time in 19 years or should I say 20? ;one of my friends bought me a cake! I might have cried if she didn't make it so obvious the day before haha! Thank youuuu!

Michelle helped me call up New York, New York to make reservations for dinner. I <3 you bestie! Dinner was good but the company was even better. I practically laughed until I cried at least three times last night. I blame the boys!! :D It was certainly very entertaining. I had my christ church clique (secondary sch) and my psych clique at different tables. There were too many of us so we couldn't all sit together. Believe it or not, my chr clique seemed quite normal to the psych's! (yes, that does include me). We're a crazy bunch.

I love who I am though :D I had a few people text me yesterday saying they had a blast, I also had a few people telling me how glad they were that I'm in their lives. I might end up with diabetes; I can't handle the sweetness of all this :P

New York's complimentary birthday gift was a bottle of red wine :D I received a ton of presents from friends. My buddies ended up carrying everything for me. They are THE BEST.. Michelle, Weida, Butt (SlC), Ben, Boon Chye and I went to the Esplanade after that. Ahhh, I love that place. Maybe its not as great as I make it out to be but its definitely one of the highlights of good o'l Singapore.

Ben & Weida were bickering as usual. Its not like they hate each other, they just pretend to! Its hilarious when they do though so I have no complains :P Weida, Boon Chye and I decided to get drinks but we ended up walking in circles before actually finding a place! Ohhhh & Weida bought me toast for supper :D I don't know why these guys are so weird. They tend to like looking me in the eyes & singing me love songs - so very creepy. They also like to pretend to be my boyfriend - even creepier but I know they're just playing! I guess they do that only cause I'm not with anyone. I am reserved though so dont push it! LOL. We managed to catch the last train home! SlC sent me home! Thank youuuu :)

I love the presents, I loved the company & entertainment, I loved NEW YORK. I'm so contented with the people I have in my life... so much that... I don't need anyone else.

I realized I might have an issue. I wouldn't say things I don't mean. However, I used to go with the flow way too much in the past that I lost so much of myself. I might have lost my opinion on things in general. I might have lost the ability to fight. I have to deal with this: I'll never be able to please everyone; I need to come out of my shell. Right now, It feels like I have to start over and find myself again. Its tough... but I will persevere.

A new year does mean something and being 20, It's a new chapter ;)

random-ness

2009-01-15T19:15:00.007+08:00

I think our worst module this term is Neuro Psych! The terms are such a nightmare! I remember my lecturer's quote during our first lecture...

''suicide is still an option''

LOL. I could use the humor! Ah well, at the very least, we have a fabulous lecturer for the deadliest module :)

I've got butterflies in my tummy thinking about the silly degree. Its so hard to concentrate on the present when uncertainty lingers everywhere! I hope things get sorted out soon. Faith & worrying don't go very well together, do they?

Its nice knowing I do make an impact in the lives of certain people. Maybe I can't help everyone in the entire world but it gives me great satisfaction to know I did my best and no less for the people I care about.

Ultimately, Many things are beyond our control and decision making for someone else is not in the job description. I have prepared myself for countless failures but I'll always pick myself up again. We learn from our mistakes, we learn from the mistakes of others & we learn from experience! Only we can create change in ourselves.

Frozen in time

2009-01-10T23:05:00.003+08:00

Our modules this semester are on Social Psychology, Cognitive Psychology and Neuro Psychology. All three feel like a challenge; heavy as hell! but at least we've got dedicated lecturers. I was pretty optimistic about 2009 until ... things started to go wrong. As scared as I am, apart of me is taking this whole Uni-Bps affiliation wreck as optimistically as possible.

I hope things work out with Brunswick (which is basically an American/Canadian degree). The school will let us in on the details by Wednesday. I want a Bachelors of Science in Psych not Art! I don't wanna do crappy business modules either! I think, I'm gonna be stuck here for the next five years. A min of 3 years of work experience is needed in order to be eligible to do a Masters degree. I'm not sure about the criteria for a double degree (which I am considering; opens up options abit).

I don't know how in the world I'm gonna get through this. I don't know what the future holds but the last thing I would sacrifice is Psychology. Its my coping method, Its my purpose for wanting to breathe. Its what helps me deal with the past, present and future. I can't do without this.

Uncertainty - I hate it! ; Rainbow loves it. I still feel like he has his hand in mine. The way he gently sweeps us away from reality when he sees us suffocating. The way he makes us so very deserving of the best & nothing less. The way he puts people in your life and takes them away if they are not meant to be.

I trust you... I stopped questioning the things you do cause I realised I can never win :) Psych is the only weapon I have to save lives. I don't do it for name or fame, I do it for you ... cause you mean absolutely everything to me. You're all I have and it feels like you're the only thing that's real.

2009!!

2009-01-01T09:24:00.007+08:00

I can't believe X'mas is over, much less that its 2009, today! I think I might have just spent my New Year's Eve in the best way possible. It does concern religious beliefs. However, its also so much more. I evolved from being religious to being spiritual. Rainbow actually answered one of my questions through a PowerPoint slide. The question was ... ''Is it crazy to sacrifice my happiness, to sacrifice whatever that could have been (for me), to ask of you to take away the misery of everyone I care about and let me bleed instead?'' The answer was... ''The highest thing, The only thing you should ask of him is to give happiness to those who surround you. Have faith and always, always remember him.'' Am I on the right track?

Hinduism gave me the foundation to religion. I'm grateful for that. Religion is only the beginning though, I believe we have to grow out of rituals. Its funny cause... half the time we do them but we have no idea what purpose it carries. I've been searching for you for centuries... how many times have I come back to this place? To be born again... and again... and again... still ignorant that you've always been here for me. How is it so, that I was so blind to have missed you? Yeah... I do believe in reincarnation :)

They say... Its only on the 777th birth do you encounter self realization/self actualization. Its only then where you actually narrow down your purpose and do something about your life (extracted from theosophy). The last thing I'm gonna do is waste this life. I told him to bring it on... give me everything you've got, I can handle it. I'm stronger then I think yet I'm just as vulnerable.

Things are tough, I'm not having it easy. I'm struggling for air and I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. I've been using Psychology as my coping method. Love motivates me to carry on... knowing there's someone deserving out there; helps! The reason why I stopped confiding in people was mainly because they didn't understand. They care... for sure... but they'll never be able to grasp this. I don't like making anyone worry about me anyway. I've always been Miss emotionally & financially independent or at least I try. I've always had to take care of myself and to take care of family from ever since I can remember. So much that... I feel like I'm ''the man of the house''... um mm... ''lady of the house?''... something along that line! Its a lot of responsibility but its given me maturity.

The problem with me is my sensitivity. I'm not sure if its a curse or a blessing in disguise but I feel very deeply... too deeply. I care too much... which results to people taking advantage of me at times. I don't exactly get pissed off and if I do, its actually a cover up to feeling hurt. I'm not sure if its supposed to work that way for everyone but it does for me. Still... I love who I am :)

What amazes me is the way rainbow has made it up to me. He has given me absolutely nothing to complain about! Its the people he sends into my life that make me feel so blessed. He has been answering all my prayers and made me smile so wide, my jaws started to ache. He is taking care of grandma, He is blessing my aunt with the happiness she has always deserved. What could possibly make me happier then to see the ones I love smile?

Its the simple things in life that make me happy. I've never been materialistic and I never want to be.

Happy New Year Guys ...
Leave all the unpleasantness of 2008 behind. A new year sums up to a new phrase, a brand new slate, a new chapter, a new beginning. We're human; we make mistakes ever so often. None of us are made to perfection. However, Its those mistakes that produce experience; that we learn from and become better individuals. God Bless the world.

May the love we’re sharing spread its wings, fly across the earth ... and bring new joy to every soul that is alive. May the Grace of God pour from our hearts, revealing all as One and bringing peace to every soul :)

Parties & Dates

2008-12-27T18:26:00.018+08:00

I've been up to quite abit these past few days!

24th Dec ...

Sent my sister to her friend's Xmas party at some hotel. Spell P-o-s-s-s-s-s-s-h! I never had one of those at age 10! Actually... I think I did, I just had no one to send me for parties! haha. I should have just stayed home and read though! but noooo I had to ask for trouble :P Orchard was sooooo packed. People were squishing me ): Wanna hear a joke? Yes? No? I'm telling you anyway!

The shopping centres were not crowded, It was crowded because these lame-O's were crowding around Xmas decorations and taking photographs outside the malls which caused a human traffic jam! Can you believe that? Its like they've never seen Xmas lighting in their life :P Okay, so it was kinda pretty but still!! The decorations were out like a month ago so why choose Xmas eve to cam whore & make the rest of our lives miserable? ):

25th Dec ...

Practically spent Xmas with my dearly beloved psych classmates + Francine and her super warm family! We had a ball of a time playing Truth or Dare! Then again, hmmmmmmm! I should take that back! I got Francine a present & I got the rest of them cookies & Santa clause shaped / Xmas tree shaped chocolates! (which were pretty good btw) :D I find joy in giving more then I do in receiving. The whole shopping - going out of your mind trying to find something nice, wrapping etc. My excitement lies when people open up the presents I get them and start hugging me or cry or jump... lol

Group Pic!! ^^

Francine took this! I think I was laughing at Liyana's reaction for god knows what! :S

Awwww, so sweeeeeeeeeeet! :P

Truth or Dare!!Shobha is going: You gotta be kidding riggggggght?
Ash is going: WTH? Ewww!
The picture below says it all!

Diwi's dare to kiss Jasbir! 0_0''
THIS was not even a dare! :P
Francineeeeee & Shobhaaaaa AKA Friction & Shoe (Don't even ask!) :P
Super Trio! <3>My plans for next week aka the last week of having a life include Movies Dates, Bowling, Shopping (for essentials) and hitting the gym!! :]

2008-12-21T20:00:00.002+08:00

Bruce Almighty aired on television earlier today. I caught the movie like a few years ago I think. It was good! Morgan Freeman played God; typical, he was perfect! :) There's so much that went on in the movie that goes on in reality. It's just that, we don't analyse every detail, the way movies do. If we did, maybe... just maybe... we would see things in a different light. How do you make someone love you without touching their free will? That's exactly what the one above faced with us human beings :)

I don't miss assignments and exams but I do miss school!! Not forgetting, my crazy friends! (I'm using this word very loosely) :P I can't wait for Francine's Xmas party!! :D

Rainbow does not send or prevent, he gives strength to take whatever comes! :)

how can you not know?

2008-12-04T02:19:00.005+08:00

I'm finally done with assignments for the year! *Smiles* This is my last week of revision before the upcoming exams. I wonder if my hyperhydrosis has to do with anxiety, genetics or ? I can make it appear but I can't make it go away! So much for my ''magic trick''. Just goes to show that the mind is truly a master. Its such a bummer when it comes to exams! Not forgetting holding hands with someone and hand shakes! ): Feel free to comment if you have the answer to my question :P

When you love someone, you want him to be happy. When you know he doesn't feel a thing, you wouldn't fight for him, you'd attempt to let him go. If you fail miserably, you'll just be contented with living in your fantasies. You'd make a pact with God saying you'll only let him go when he finds his better half. Maybe it also acts as an excuse to hang on longer. After all, isn't love supposed to be unconditional? with no strings attached? with no expectations? Its only after I fell in love, did I realize the difference between an infatuation and love. Erikson says that the intimacy adolescents share is nothing but a mere infatuation. I guess he gave it a time frame. Also, its only after a certain amount of isolation does a person find mature love. See, assignments are purposeful! I actually remembered! :)

I decided on a few things during the past week or so. I may be 19 but age sure doesn't come with maturity. There are people in this world who have never fallen in love. Can you imagine that? I think falling in love itself is a blessing; its like... Ecstasy. Its said that when you love someone, you let him go, if he comes back, he's yours. If he dosnt, he was never meant to be.

I have plans. I have big, humongous plans! I'm gonna start networking. I'm gonna start finding like minded people and I'm gonna do something for the world. That's the only thing that can fill this void in me, that can take away the pain from the past. Maybe this sounds weird & maybe I'm making no sense whatsoever (being almost 3am in the morning) but seriously, this will make me happy...

Typing all this down does give me a boost of inspiration to carry on mugging for my exams. After all, I'll need to do well enough to do my Masters, well enough to work for a world body, well enough to make tons of money in order to make a difference. So does money really make the world go round? Unfortunately...

~JJ makes me smile :D
~My Inspiration! has been keeping in touch with me. I'm pleasantly surprised :)
~My Motivator! has been super busy with his new school - I decided not to bug him for now :P
~Thank you for lending me your spare phone for the next 10yrs Ben!

I'm kidding about the 10 years! ^^

I love all these people around me. They are absolutely amazing! (JJ, classmates, ex classmates, lectures, ex teachers, friends in and out of cyberspace. I'm counting my blessings, I'm not taking anyone for granted, I'm loving the present! :D

Define Forever ...

2008-11-27T16:21:00.006+08:00

I definitely need to update here more often!

Here's what I've been doing ...

I got my group project / presentation over & done with earlier this week. Great work babes! (Ashwini & Shalini). Whatever grade we get, its cool - we did our best. It was a pleasure working with both of you and I hope we get another opportunity to do so. I loved the last slide; The one with our yahoo avatars. I thought it was darrrrn cute! ^^

Meeting assignment deadlines has been a killer but I think I finally see the purpose of assignments. The actual typing out process, gives us better understanding of the module we just learnt.

Human Development - We had to take about Erik Erikson's eight stages of development, link the stage we're in (mine being Intimacy versus Isolation) to his theory and relate a conflict/crisis (being 2-3 decisions we recently made or something relevant). I think this also acts as a peeling process. It was my first time actually writing about something this personal :) I wrote about JJ & my dad to be precise :D It was pretty personal so I shan't elaborate.

Abnormal Psych - We had to relate a specific disorder (that we were writing about) to the diathesis stress model. Explain biological factors and etc. It wasn't as tough as I thought it would be (everyone was losing their hair) :P I think I've mastered Antisocial Personality Disorder thanks to this assignment! In addition to that, we were taught by the best!! I certainly had fun during his module :)

Research Methods - Explaining the different kinds of research methods, the importance and so on. We just learnt the fundamental though. 50% of this module was based on our presentation :)

Two assignments down, one more to go! + 100% of revision (oh crap).

Exams: 9th Dec - Human Development
11th Dec - Abnormal Psych

Why am I sick? That is an understatement! :D

Get well soon shobha; seriously! so much studying to do!

Seasonal Affective Disorder

2008-11-12T12:51:00.002+08:00

Believe me, I never knew such a disorder even existed till recently lol.

As the days grow shorter and darker in fall and winter, many people begin to experience symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as SAD. This mood disorder is linked to seasonal changes in light and is marked by periods of depression, fatigue and social avoidance. These symptoms typically begin during the late fall, as the daylight hours shorten, and continue through winters marked by gray skies, less sunlight and cold weather that keeps people indoors.

I don't think Singaporeans have any chance of getting SAD though. Its practically sunny all year round with exceptions for bad weather during ''winter''.There are a few treatments available for this disorder. Light therapy, Light boxes, Medication in combination with light therapy or CBT.

Psychoanalytic Therapy founded by Sigmund Freud, is also referred to as ''Talk Therapy''. The therapy provider will look for patterns or significant events that may play a role in the client’s current difficulties. Psychoanalysts believe that childhood events and unconscious feelings, thoughts and motivations play a role in mental illness and maladaptive behaviors.

A good example of behavioral therapy would be a therapist working with a client to overcome a fear of heights. The therapist would encourage the client to gradually face their fear of heights through experience. The client might first imagine standing on the roof of a tall building or riding an escalator. Next, the client would slowly expose themselves to greater and greater levels of their fear until the phobia diminishes or disappears entirely.

Group Therapy has proven to cause progress. Knowing/meeting other people who are experiencing the same synthoms or who have recovered from a similar problem can provide effective peer support.

One hell of a torturous month

2008-11-08T13:09:00.008+08:00

Here I am once again ... National Library! So much to do, so little time. Assignments, Exams & That Project! I just realized, its exactly more or less, one more torturous month of mugging! Guess who I saw on the train a few hours ago? Its the same guy aka lecturer who ''accidentally'' found my blog :) I'm sure all my classmates know who I'm talking about. I'm still quite embarrassed cause I ramble on here so much :X

Then again, I get a lot of feedback so maybe its not all that bad :D I have more or less decided what I want in life; I'm happy about that. Now, all I've got to do is work hard to be able to reach those goals!! :) Failure is the seed to success. Its just like how a failed relationship, makes you a better lover.

Random: I have a distinct liking for Jay Chou's music.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2008-10-31T18:08:00.002+08:00

Glow Stick Lantern ~ Created by a classmate! :D

There were only 9 of us from Psych who went for the Halloween Themed Night Safari Trip. We came across lots of people who dressed up for the occasion. It was pretty cool ~ the horns, the fangs, the costumes and not forgetting our glow sticks; that made the 9 of us stand out from the crowd! We ended up looking all fun & colourful :P So much for looking scary!

Anyways, the queue for the tram ride was ridiculously long! It was about an hour long wait I reckon. The bullying & teasing that was going on was pretty entertaining :D I had the laugh of a lifetime watching the girls react to those weird creatures moping around!

To think Singapore wasn't into Halloween much. It wasn't too bad after all :)

I had FUN! :D

There are people in my life that are so near yet so far & so far ... yet so close. Rainbow's being really sweet to me. Right now, I'm just building friendships & giving love the test of time. Everyone I'm meeting in this life, is creating an impact, one way or another.

I'm glad I found you, but I'm even more glad that you found me.

Indian New Year!

2008-10-27T20:38:00.006+08:00

Today, marks the Indian New Year - Deepavali; which also means 'Festival of Lights'. It doesn't even feel like it though! I didn't do any visiting whatsoever. Most of the family usually goes over to my cousin bro's place for lunch every year but I guess it was an exception this time round since he wasn't in town due to being posted to Aussie for three weeks (National Service). Ah well, who has time for visiting when I have soooo much work to do!! No worries, I know my limits though.

I'm planning to get a gym membership soon. Medical reasons contribute to my weight gain but that's no excuse. I don't intend to look like this forever [if I can help it!] :) I talked to HIM via mic/web cam earlier this week. He seems to be making progress or at least I think so! I'm really pleased and for some reason, I've never doubted any of his abilities. Looks like he's gonna end up going into the Psych line as well. I have so much faith in him, even when I've never actually met the guy; its actually scary :)

You know what's sad? He'll never understand the way I am. I neither expect nor want anything from him except for him to be safe & happy. Why would I ever make fun of him or be sarcastic? How could I ever hurt someone who means so much to me? I had such a weird dream about him the day before he popped online. Its kinda silly though so I'm not gonna go into any details :)

Rainbow is working miracles in my life and I know for sure, whatever happens will always be for the best. I know at times, I try too hard to keep people together when I should just really ... let go. Its amazing ... I'm actually inspiring / motivating the people around me. Especially the kids I tutor & my juniors from secondary school. I feel really good! I feel like I'm accomplishing something that I deemed impossible. Yahoo Answers & Blogging has obviously played a humongous role by helping me share.

No one said life would be easy. Of every other birth we could take, here we are as human beings, Imperfectly perfect human beings that reflect his image. Its a blessing, we're here for a purpose and once its over, its time to go home :)

You can't make me bad but I can make you better :D

Death doesn't scare me, wasting this life does.

This is how it goes

2008-10-16T19:03:00.007+08:00

I'm loving my life now. Not that it's all rainbows and butterflies but I'm learning that ''Happiness is a choice, Its free will'' Its funny... I've repeated that line tons of time when I answer questions on 'Yahoo Answers' yet it took me so long to practice what I preach. Better late then never though right?

I'm enjoying school! Its probably the only thing that's keeping me sane, Even if its Abnormal Psychology! :) The amount of stuff we learn in one lesson is amazing! If I learn any interesting stuff that might be applicable or that can be related to you guys; I'll be sure to share!

I visited grandma on Tuesday after class. Day by day, she's slipping away. Day by day, I'm losing her and all that will be left is a memory. As long as I remember her, she'll live. Her hands were cold, Her eyes were hardly open, She had problems swallowing both solids & liquids. I was with my aunt as she fed her dinner. I just kept holding her hands; telling her not to choke. I don't wanna see her pass away like that. I just cant ... I still talk to her, even when knowing she probably cant hear me. That person, replaced ''God'' & ''Parents'' in my life for 11 years. I knew he existed, I just never needed him until she shut down. To think ... the person you loved most in life, has no recollection of you.

Soon after ... - Ryan. That was certainly a big blow. He was my best friend, my big brother and I had to face reality and let him go. All I had in memory of him, was a ring that I used to wear 24/7 and silly Shobha even lost that earlier this year. So when people ask me what I look for in a guy, I think of Ryan and go ... 'Honesty, Integrity, Respect, Compassion' ... When they laugh at my ''expectations'', I smile, because I had living proof that someone like that does exist. He always looked out for me. I don't remember everything but I do know he used to push me on swings, mess up my hair!!, give me abstracts about the girl he adored. He told me I couldn't date till I was 18 and he said he was gonna ''interview'' every single ass who wanted to be my prince charming lol. Who's gonna do that for me now? Who's gonna be that big overprotective brother? ):

I take comfort in knowing, they loved me back just as much. I just wish I said those 3 words more often. I wonder if they knew how much they meant to me. Now, all I need and want, is the one that stills stands when everyone else leaves. I ask him to keep the people I love in this life safe & happy.

Someone asked me ''How can you be happy when the person you love doesn't love you back''. My answer was ... I love him because I love Rainbow. I'm helping him because I love rainbow. I expect nothing because I have faith in Rainbow and whatever happens is for the best. Im throwing myself out there, trying to help everyone that wants to be helped, because ... well... you know the answer :) Its not for name or fame, Its for him.

I have forgiven my dad, A part of me is still bleeding but I'm determined to make my own happy ending.

^^

2008-10-07T17:52:00.008+08:00

Group Picture!

Our lecture got unexpectedly cancelled today. Argh ... I woke up early in the morning and dragged myself all the way to City Hall in vain ): Anyways, The class celebrated Thomas's Birthday :)

H a p p y B i r t h d a y! !

I met Cy for lunch @ Burger King. Her treat! haha. I bought her chocolates that expire in a week for Children's Day! Why?

1) She's deprived of childhood - like DUH :P
2) She has the tendency to keep edible stuff till it becomes all sticky and expired! So I beat her to it; she can munch right away :P

She called me dum dum!! What the hell. I'm CLEVER! :D Anyways, we went to the National Library and mugged hard till 615pm. Cy was so engrossed with the ''Sexual Identity/Gender Disorder'' topic from Abnormal Psych. That poor girl is trying to ''fix'' herself! :P You know I'm kidding dear! I love you for who you are :))

I'm sitting here ... reminiscing ... realizing ... words said cannot be taken back. Actions done cant be taken back. An apology doesn't cut it. People who have hurt me to a certain level; I can't take them back. I wish things could go back to the way it used to be. They cant... Even jokes have their limitations. Its no longer a joke if it could hurt someone.

You know what I wanna do?I wanna change people! I wanna save freaking lives! I wanna build up self esteem / confidence that lost itself along the way! I wanna go to third world countries and do something for the world in his name.

~Take me away from the human race; I only care about making you happy. You know I adore HIM. The one with all the problems yet ... The one with none. The one with all the answers to all his questions & all the solutions to all his answers yet he doesn't see it but ... I do. I only pray that he'll get over his issues, That he'll find his princess and be happy. With or without me :) Isn't love all about expecting nothing in return?

I'm happy if HE's happy. I'll let go when he gets over his issues, when he finds his happiness ~ My pact with the Lord (:

Why is monday blue?

2008-10-04T23:52:00.003+08:00

Whoo Hoo! Completed Mr Lam Chee Kum's Abnormal Psychology draft! Hooray! Don't scold me! :D I spent my entire Saturday back at City Hall. Yes. Its always City Hall. School, Food, Library, Entertainment, The big durian! Its all there! :D For now, Im happy. If he doesn't approve for whatever reason, I'll be crying on Monday. Consequence? Going back to my second home. Location? National Library! I think it should be fine though! *Ponders*

Thanks for the company Ash. I think if I had to do all that research on my own; alone! for like 3/4 of the day, I'd faint. Human interaction and lame jokes are essential to keep my brain working for hours & hours. You know what's funny? We were looking for 'Abnormal Psychology' material in the 'Psychology' section. We found none! After much cursing, Fineeeee, Maybe it was just me cursing! We found everything we needed in the Medical section! Like Seriously!? So now its Medicine that we're doing? *Glares* lol. Its all inter linked I guess.

I'm a Psych NOOB.

Maybe, I'll take pictures the next time we do any mugging/assignments at the library. I love the view of the Singapore Flyer/The City from our seats though :) The books/journals we use as reference is super scary. Piles high! 0_0'' I've decided, during my graduating year (2009/2010), I'm gonna be dragging myself to the library 6 days a week if I can help it.

I'm already gonna make it a point to drag myself to the library thrice a week this year. Or at least I'll try? Super exhausted.

I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow! 1030am - 530pm (Lecture + Tutorial) Meaning, I've got to leave for school at 9am and I'll be home by 7pm *Sulks* MONDAY BLUESSSSS! I haven't even set aside time for revision yet.

Argh.

''This train service has been delayed'' - on the way home.

Shoey: One train + another train = Baboosh!
Ash: Baboon + Baboon = Baboosh!

Don't ask me what Ash is talking about! LOL.

Porn Addictions

2008-10-01T14:42:00.007+08:00

I havn't quite been myself the last couple of days. I've had this sudden overwhelming feeling of sadness. I started questioning myself recently; wondering if I made the right choice. Psychology? Are you positively sure Psychology? Yes. I'm just scared I think. I want this so badly, Its all that I have, Its all I am, Its the only insane thing that keeps me sane.

You know whats Hilarious? After 2 months, The University of Lancaster emailed me back saying that I shouldn't have a problem getting into their undergraduate programme with my Diploma in Psych (I sent them my transcripts & stuff). Seriously! NO, SERIOUSLY! why did they take so long to get back to me? lol. Like helloooo!! I've already started something else here.

Ah well, two more years in Singapore *starts to count down*. IF I do well enough to do my Master's, I'm going with Lancaster. That's where the competition is! IF I get into Lancaster! lol.

I have decided to major in Child Psychology after getting a gist of it from 'Psych of Human Development'. I love that module and the lecturer rocks :) She answered all the questions I had after doing self revision.

Individuals who are addicted to porn? It goes back to when they were kids. The five stages of Psycho sexual Development. During the Phallic stage (3 - 5 or 6 years), Kids focus of pleasure in genitals, self stimulation / masturbation. If 'fixated' at the phallic stage, It could result to pornography addiction at a later stage. Either that or totally shunning away from all sexual activity.

So like ... If the kid gets fixated at one of the five stages, it comes back in their adulthood in two extreams. Fascinating. Bloody fascinating! :) I told ya I lost all my innocence. So many details, too much information but its essential so okay :)

I'm Happy. I fell, I cried, I was depressed for abit but I picked myself up again. Its what I do. Its who I am. I'm Shobha. I'm the strong/determined one. I'm the one who picks other people up. I'm the shoulder they cry on. I'm the one they come to when they need to talk. I'm the one that cares for others more then I should.

I'm the one that takes the problems of everyone else and make them my own. I'm the one that falls in love with people I shouldn't fall in love with! Haha. Still, I've never regretted. I have great taste LOL. I'm the one who talks/debates/argues with rainbow every night. I can't change myself & I won't. This is me and I love me for me. Its all these things that make me who I am. I really don't care what people think. I think I'm freaking awesome :D

However, I did find my very own psychologist in someone; who does the things for me that I do for everyone around me. Once in awhile, its nice to have someone there for you.

School is tough. The modules are tough. Everything is tough but so am I :)

I will NEVER give up; Not without a fight. I'm not perfect but neither are you :)

First day of school :)

2008-09-23T15:43:00.004+08:00

Hooray! I started my first day of school today. I had this nervous, anxious, butterflies in the tummy kinda feeling. I knew no one and was new to the whole environment. Most of my classmates knew each other as they took their diploma's together. Anyways, everyone seems pretty nice! I should come out of my shell already. We're doing the module on Psychology & Human Development which is pretty interesting :)

DNA, Genes and all the answers to 'Where babies come from'. We even had a little animation clip on that. Everything is so much in detail, its actually a little overwhelming but I'm totally enjoying the lectures! After all, it would be such a disgrace to fail something you have so much passion for. Agree?

I've been watching tons of videos on You Tube with regards to psych. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and etc. I cant stand Freud, He's all about sex and the physical. Then again, We can't exactly blame him. During that era, men were much more dominant then the female sex. I think most theories have to be re defined now.

I'll need to do more research since the lecturer said that by now we need to be familiar with the theorists and theories. Argh. Tests, Assignments (Apa Format) and Exams are coming! Its been close to a year since I've done an assignment. Can you believe that? I'm actually pretty rusty! Yikes. Ah well, I'll be fine in time to come.

Footprints in the sand :)

2008-09-20T09:28:00.003+08:00

I had a picnic at the beach yesterday! whoo hoo! :D It was grand! Food, Fruits, Milk and gallons of water. Salted & Un salted! :D I've been wanting to go for so long but obviously, no one ever makes time for me! You know what? Its fineee! I don't need anyone anywayyyy! :P Its the place I go to when I need to think, when I need to make life changing decisions, when I'm upset, when I'm happy & when I need to talk to you. Who's the 'you?' Its Rainbow.

The beach is the closest I get to you; Physically. I love walking on wet sand, I love the waves hitting my feet, I love the warmth of the sun that touches my skin, I even like the tan I get from it. I love the wind that messes up my hair, Its so strong; It sounds almost like a melody. Emotional Love? you're always there. I hear you whisper, taking my hand & telling me everything will be okay.

In his time. Always, In his time. You leave me breathless. The way you make things work out better then I imagine. You're telling me to do my best and leave the rest to you. Rainbow already knows, I love him most; I don't really need anyone else.

Remind me of what I was sent here to do.

I left my footprints in the sand!! I took picturessss! How could something so simple, bring me such joy? We took a stroll along the beach and caught the pretty sunset, I watched children play and make sandcastles, a few adults sun tanning and a ton of couples showing their public display of affection xD

When it became dark, I layed on the sand and watched the stars :) Oh man, so prettty. Gawd knows if they were satellites or stars though! There was one, that shined so brightly and I knew it was shining for me :)

I start school on Tuesday! Wheeeeee! I can't wait :D

Marriage & Relationships

2008-09-13T21:43:00.011+08:00

Sho & Shan :)

Adorable Shoey's reflection can be seen! :D
Shan's acting cute *Pouts* :P
The Couple :)The Bride with her Sister in Law ...The Groom ...

I went for my neighbour's wedding cum reception last night. I haven't been to an Indian wedding/reception in a really long time. I was 8 the last time I went to such an event. I have no recollection of anything except the food! Bet that tells you how good it was :P

As I sat there watching the couple, watching the priest chant sacred vows and the proceedings, I realized how nice it was to watch two people who love each other; come together. I believe marriage is a journey you take together with your better half. You encounter a new set of problems hence a high level of maturity is essential. I've never believed newly Wed's should rush into having children. They'll need a couple of years for themselves, to lay down a solid foundation to their marriage and to take it to another level.

I wonder how seriously people take their vows these days. When we think about it; Do we have any idea what we're saying? What we're committing to? Its scary. I don't believe in divorce, I never have. In the olden days, There wasn't even such a thing! When you love someone enough to ask them to share the rest of their life with you, How do you take that back when that person is already a part of your life?

I used to hate adults in my early teenage years. Never understood them, Never wanted to be them. I don't have any problems with commitment nor do I like the 'running away' technique. In fact, I despise it. Its childish & irresponsible. Every problem has a solution. Its just that, sometimes, we don't quite like what we're facing hence its easier to run, to pretend like its not there. Though you know, it's gonna be at the back of your head; it still exists. The sooner we learn that, the better.

Personally, I love children. They make me happy, They make me smile. They're practically a bundle of joy. I used to work in a daycare centre earlier this year. I did everything! From learning to change stinky diapers to teaching/singing to playing with them. Haha. I had the experience of a life time! The 9 hour shift sent me straight to bed everyday and 0% of a social or even a cyber life! But I had a ball of a time interacting with these young ones aged from 6 months to 2 years.

It breaks my heart to see them cry for their parents when the doors open at 7am. They cry till their throat is sore & eyes are red. As much as I try to divert their attention, they still ask me in that squeaky little voice ''Teacher, Where's mommy?'' I hold them, comfort them and go ''Sweetie, She's at work. She'll come for you later okay?'' They nod their head and come tugging at my jeans 10 Min's later.

Don't have children for the sake of having them. Realize that money cant buy love. All they want/need is you. So don't have them if you don't have time for them. Obviously, Successful Parenting takes two. I don't wanna make the same mistakes. I don't wanna chuck my kid at some daycare or with grandparents. I want to be there when they say their first word and take their first step. Its so weird hearing myself say that but yes, if I do find someone who actually wants kids, I want to be there until they no longer need to hold my hand :)

The Return To CHR.

2008-09-10T23:26:00.008+08:00

Michelle & Shobha! xXPretty Bluey M&M Heart! :D

Thank You dear Cy aka Pigu (Buddy) for saving this & Thank you for that very entertaining cum descriptive ex entry. I certainly do appreciate it! My mistake for specifying that I wanted you to type rubbish. I didn't quite expect ''your rubbish'' to be so long winded :P I expected like a ''BOO!'' or something. I reckon that's my favourite word at the moment *Grins*. Your ex entry is listed on Facebook ;)

I got up a little later then expected this morning, got ready, grabbed two boxes of Dunking Doughnuts from the refrigerator & rushed down to meet the girls at Woodlands Interchange. I was a little late due to being out late the previous night! *Bows down while apologizing*. I was yawning every couple of Min's.

It was nice to see my ex teachers again or whoever was left ... which ... was like 5? 6? I don't know. Not many! Its a dying breed. I doubt any of us will be back for Teacher's Day next year. No one to go back for ):

I saw Uncle Koa Chee Meng (who entertained us), Uncle Andy Lee, Aunt Amy Yap, Uncle Tien, Aunt Devi, Uncle Chow, Mrs Ang & ummm I think thats about it! (I'm so gonna get whacked, obviously they arnt uncles or aunties but mr & miss/mrs) I just liked the sound of Uncle Chee Meng; It was funny and the girls agreed too :P All of them liked the doughnuts :D

Yummy Dunkin Doughnuts from Malaysia. [As all you Singaporeans know, They don't have it here!] *Whines*

I miss Uncle Bennett & Uncle Kevin! :D Yeah, but seriously, I do. Virtual Dunkin? :P That's my Motivator & Inspiration we're talking about. I just realized I'm famous *Glares*. A few teachers I've never met asked me how I did it, how did I end up getting to where I am today & If there was anyone that actually helped & etc. Their names came up so many times :)

After updating the teachers on my progress, Miss Devi wanted me to knock some sense into her class 5/2. Yes, Seriously. I thought of running away cause I still had this phobia of talking in front of a large audience :P Ah well, I did it anyway, for her sake, she wasn't getting the respect that she deserved & for their sake cause I wanted to save those that wanted to be saved. I gave them a lecture, I hope I wasn't yelling cause I think I was pretty emotional =S and I pray something actually went into their heads. I was pretty pissed at the students. They have dedicated teachers, they have aids and they're not taking advantage of either (In a good way of course). Worst of all, They don't know what they want!

I embarrassed myself talking about the past over and over to teachers who asked; About how I was like in school. I even did it in front of 5/2. Its not like I'm proud of it, I just wanted to show them that indeed, nothing is impossible. Failing does not make you a failure! Many teachers don't know me until they hear my name... They're like... ''Oh! Wern't you the one that ...'' yada yada. Haha.

Private schools are so different. No one cares two hoots if you pass or fail, No one cares two hoots if you skip classes, When you ask questions, They answer them by saying 'You didn't pay attention hence you're clueless'. They don't even care enough to nag/lecture/whatever you call it. Imagine that! I actually missed that! Its a whole new lease of independance. You're responsible for paying your exam fees. No one's there to remind you over and over.

So what if you're from Normal Technical or Normal Academic. So what if your journey is taking a little longer then you expected. Its never too late to do something about your life! Nothing comes easy. I was from NT. I used to get crappy grades. I used to skip sch cause my priorities wernt in order. Learn from my mistakes. Why do we need to learn things the hard way in order to change? Why cant we just learn to be smart & learn from other people? I'm praying for the school. If anyone ever finds this and needs someone to talk to about anything in the world, leave your number and I'll get back to you :) Especially, if its a listening ear or a word of advice.

Uncle Chee Meng gave each one of us a cute animal magnet thingy. Its so cute! Mine's a Tiger :D He also gave us a ride back to Woodlands. Thank you uncle chee meng! and I hope you enjoyed the rest of the 'left over' doughnuts :P I doubt I'll ever go back there again ): I've got all their numbers though! (Ex Teachers & Ex Classmates) I plan to organize a class gathering at East Coast sometime in December. I bet that would turn out better then a visit back to Chr.

This feels real to me

2008-09-09T11:27:00.003+08:00

I dreamt I died yesterday,
I visited you in a dream,
Only to watch you sleep.

Do you know why I always ask if you are missing me?
Cause I am missing you; so badly & I can't do a thing.
I'm honestly hoping you feel the same way,
But hard knocks of reality changes my perception.

I wonder if you would cry for me,
The way I was crying for you,
My fantasy had to end, Love.

If I was still alive,
If I was still here,

Would you tell me what I needed to hear?
Maybe I wouldn't have given in to death so easily,
If I knew someone was waiting for me at the other end.
Have you said all that you should have said?
Would you tell me only when its too late?

To be so near, yet so far.
To wish you trusted me enough to take the next plane,
To be curious enough to want to know my name.

I woke up;
Still breathing.
I see things the way they are.
I realized the clock is ticking.
I don't know what tomorrow brings.

All I know is, Today,
I don't care anymore.
Who cares if its gonna end up as a virtual fantasy,
Who cares if that's all it will ever be.
Who cares if my heart gets wrecked?
I would be happy.

I can't deny this emotion I've been suppressing,
This feeling I have just grows & grows,
Its like taking Ecstasy the legal way,

Everything can go wrong and you're still smiling when you think of him.
Ever experienced that kind of High?

I rest my case.

Rainbow's ''Magic''

2008-09-07T14:28:00.005+08:00

''I will not make the same mistakes that you did. Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me. Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in. Because of you, I'm afraid.''

Lyrics taken from Kelly Clarkson. This is one song that reminds of that stranger who has the same DNA as I do. That's how I feel yet I act out so different from those lyrics. Why? Only because I have you. I can never love you enough for everything you do for me. I can never love you enough for the people you send into my life to make it okay. Its like, I can go without oxygen yet still be able to breathe. Its like, I'm numb/immune to the pain. I know its there but it doesn't hurt or affect me.

I'm different. I'm different from everyone else. Its a good thing but its also scary because I'm on my own. The hardest challenge I'm going to face, is throwing myself out into the world. In everything I do, be it work or school, My heart has to be in there. If it isn't, then its not something I can do cause it wont bear fruit.

I see the best in people, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I give them 100% of me and no less. What I fear most is losing my heart to someone who's gonna tear it apart. I've already lost my heart and I'm already prepared for the worst. I cant stop loving you & it really does suck. I realized, if its meant to be, things have their own way of working out. If its not meant to be, well, no matter how hard you try to keep it together, its gonna fall apart.

Give love the test of time. I don't like not knowing. I'm scared not knowing but I love the one above so much; I trust him. The ending doesn't matter anymore. I'm enjoying the journey; Its lovely.

I enjoy my Sunday morning class best. Adult learners are interested learners and we don't actually have to fight for their attention. In fact, It makes the teacher's job so much easier and basically, stress free. My student is married, he's probably in his mid 30's & he comes from China. He's a really nice guy. Since his problem lies with conversational English, we talk through the whole lesson (90 Min's) :D

Every week, its a different topic. Lessons are always a joy to look forward to. I'm so proud of myself, he's doing really well ;) My Chinese has seriously improved a notch! :D

In exactly two years (2010), I have decided to visit India. Hopefully my aunt can tag along! Holy places give the spirit a new lease of strength (If I can put it that way). I could choose to go anywhere in the world yet I'm going to where you are. How funny. If the friendship between my clown & I stay, I'll visit him in the states. I'll get the opportunity to meet my cousins too :) If nothing comes out of it, I wont be going there at all. So that's the plan :)

Shopping spree for IT stuff.

2008-09-01T16:18:00.011+08:00

I'm sorry I haven't been updating! I went down to the Commex Fair @ Suntec Convention Centre last Saturday afternoon with a long shopping list of IT stuff I had to get before school starts ;) I had planned to get a White Sony Viao. However, The model that's made in Japan was a little over 3k and they didn't have white! It was wayyy beyond my budget anyway. After exploring the entire floor, I decided on the E8410SM Fujitsu lappy which cost me about $2,100 (Student price).

It came with a free 4gb ram upgrade, Microsoft Office, A hard disk upgrade, A wireless mouse, A lappy briefcase (which I wonder if I'll ever use. I prefer the sleeve) & headphones. So now I have a web cam & a mic! :D

I also purchased a backpack, a 8gb thumb drive, a lappy fan & a Skype phone at a steal (which can be used for local & international calls). I haven't shopped for decades! I'm glad I've bought almost everything I need for the next couple of months.

03/09/08

Dear Ol Motivator aka 'Father Figure' emailed me back :) Its funny how we motivate each other now! :D You're in my prayers - Always. You know what you give me? You give me the jist to know what its like to have a dad and thats the best gift you could possibly give me. You have shown nothing but support & encouragement and for once in my life, I dont feel like a failure anymore.

Smiles Stewpidly

2008-08-25T13:49:00.008+08:00

DAMN RIGHT; I love the tee :]

The Bowling Alley ;)
BOWLERS :)

Shan's Back; My Arm & It looks freaking good! ;) FACT: I hate taking pictures at night cause I hate the stewpid flash! It makes people look BLEAHHHH!! Okay. Okay. NOT you, Its ME! Haha. I loveeee my toned arm; Thanks to bowling!

His Plan will always beat mine; hands down. After months of waiting, I've got this University thing sorted out. I'll be doing a double major (Hons) in Psychology with SMU & CAPS here on this island. I'll be starting school shortly! I can't wait. I'll be graduating in two years!! I'm at the final stages of my Education. Its so hard to believe that I've come this far. I know its thanks to Rainbow and I'll bring him praise/glory by doing everything in my power to save hearts.

Whats the lesson here? Don't let anyone tell you what you can & cannot do. You can do anything you want to, Be the person you want to be. Love yourself for who you are. Its spectacular knowing that there is no one else in the world like you. Physically? Maybe. There are identical twins & such. Its also said that there are 7 people in the world that resemble us physically; But how about personality wise? You're irreplaceable! ;)

I love you because HE made you. I'm so proud of my HIM. He has goals now and because he does, he'll be more motivated then ever to get over his issues. Its like he finally found his purpose. HIM & Kids - They'll click. Its funny but I can already picture it in my head & its pretty :)

Its like rainbow hears everything I have to say & takes care of everyone I love in his own way. There comes a point where you miss someone enough that your heart becomes numb. Where you love someone enough to let them go. When their happiness matters more then yours ever will. When there are no strings attached, no ulterior movies, no expectations; That's when you know its Love. My love isnt selfish; its selfless.

Ben, Shan & I caught the fireworks on Saturday. They had the Fireworks festival here in Singapore. We headed down to City Hall ~ The Esplanade. It was packed but it was a beautiful sight :) For some reason, I look like crap in the dark LOL. After an un guided tour of the Fullerton Hotel (Oh man, PRETTY hotel), We decided it was time to head home. I enjoyed the outing!

After my class at Upper Thomson on Sunday morning, I went over to my aunt's place for lunch. Its always lovely spending time with her. I left at 2pm and headed down to Habourfront to meet Joannie and the rest for our Bowling Tournament. It was great fun! Made a couple of new friends in the process too.

Busy weekend but it was very fruitful indeed :] I have an awesome life! :]

Life goes on; Right?

2008-08-16T22:27:00.003+08:00

I almost lost my grandmother yesterday. Food got stuck in her throat causing her to choke. I've been preparing myself the last couple of years for her death. As prepared as I think I am, I'm not. She was all I had. I don't know how much I meant to her but I know she was my world. Everytime I visit, I try so hard not to break down. She looks at me, her eyes dont recognize me.

She looks at me ... I remind her of who I am ... She just looks at me. She isnt responsive anymore. Today, I realized, I have no one. Today, I realized, I'm on my own. I've known all the while, it just never really sank in. No one approves of my dreams. No one approves of Psychology. Just because I have failed before, Does not make me a failure. I cant count on anyone but myself. I only have you; Rainbow. Just you. You're the real dad, the only dad.

I wish things wern't this way. I wish I didnt feel so alone but I do. Its been a terrible year. I was supposed to leave for Uni in Feb (The intake got cancelled, I dropped it). I was supposed to leave in August for another uni (My application did not get submitted). Angry? Yes. Upset? Yes. Exhasuted? Yes. My heart is breaking.

Just when I think I can leave this uni problem behind, things get messed up. Why? ): I'm researching on every single University in Singapore. I'm researching on Sunway again & again & again! I'm very thankful to The British Psychological Society (BPS). I emailed them earlier this week, I got all the answers I was looking for. This helps so much!

- Society accredited (BPS) honours degree.
- GBR elligibility
- Recognised/Listed in the world higher Education database of the Internation Association of Universities.

BSC->GBR->MASTERS->CHARTED PSYCHOLOGIST.

That's what I want; That's what I'm going for. If I end up doing my Bsc in Singapore (Provided I find a credible private institute to do it with), I'll have to take up the offer I got & work in a club. Its not what I want but its what I will have to do. Bring it on. You cant make me bad but I can make you better. - My motto :)

I don't need anyone. Just take care of the people I love.

I'm so tough yet I'm so vulnerable.

What happened to that boy?

2008-08-14T01:33:00.002+08:00

For: Sanjay.

What happened to that boy who used to poke his fingers into our birthday cake? He held my hand and gave me some sense of security when we were kids, When I was forced to go on scary rides at carnivals, I had less fear because he was by my side. What happened to that boy who used to love strawberry milk? He convinced me to give up chocolate milk to try something new :)

What happened to that boy who introduced me to chili sauce?
We were having a Happy Meal at MacDonald's one day & he assured me that it beat ketchup any day! Now, I'm hooked to spicy stuff!! Who taught me to put fries in my burger? Till today, I still do. People call it uniqueness, I smile & think of you.

What happened to that sweet little kid? I remember ... His parents bought him a Baby-G, The one that had music when you hit the light, with a dude who danced. I really liked it and he lent it to me for a week. I was so proud, I even wore it to bed. When I was hooked to Super Mario, He lent me his Nintendo on the sly.

What happened to that boy who brightened my Saturday nights? I'd wait eagerly for you; I used to cry when you couldn't come. No one understood. I used to dump playing with my friends/neighbours & dolls for you! They'd be so jealous and wouldn't talk to me for days :P Remember how we used to make a tent with blankets, pillows & pegs? We'd make a mess and get yelled at but we didn't quite care. Remember when you locked your mom & yourself out in Genting's First World Hotel? Your mom was soooo maddd but we had such a good laugh!

Remember how we'd race on our bikes every week? Remember how we'd cause chaos with older kids at the playground? Remember the go cart that was given to us by some fella? Remember how you always stood up for me? We had so many memories. So Many. Its been years but I remember every single one cause it holds so much significance.

Maybe because, You had other cousins. All I had, Was you.

I was always the good kid! & You were always the bad influence that convinced me to be bad along with you lol. We always got into trouble. You were my cousin and you were my best friend. The one, I always looked up to. The big brother I always wanted but never had.

What happened to that boy?

That boy grew up.

This one's for you bro. Maybe someday you'll see this & realize, its the little things that count.

By: Shobha Chandrel

Chemicals React :)

2008-08-14T00:29:00.003+08:00

I have no idea why people do drugs! Adrenaline rushhh - Go Running or Fall In Love! Its awesome and it works wonders :) Each one of us deserves happiness. Don't deny yourself from feeling good.

I love Gary Hayden's articles (from The Strait Times). He had this five part series on relationships early this year. I tend to like to keep articles related to psych or relationships for that matter. My aunt saves me a whole chunk of articles from the week :)

I have never understood why we give a damn about what people (in general) think of us. I believe its not intentional. We don't want to, Yet every single one of us still do at some point or another. Why do we rely on others' perceptions in order to make judgements about ourselves? With very few exceptions, Maybe its alright to feel so. After all, we are creatures who need to fit into a social world.

There will always be those who try to capitalise on this by making us feel bad about ourselves. Everyone knows someone who is adept at delivering hurtful criticisms and cruel put-downs; someone who tries to bolster their self-image by damaging the self -image of others.

The appropriate response is not to pretend that it dosnt matter what people think, but to remind ourselves that it really doesn't matter what those people think! You are who you are. Confidence is an asset. Over confidence is arrogance or at least I think so!

Credits & Kudos to Gary :P

08/08/08 - Happy Birthday Aidah

2008-08-09T15:49:00.007+08:00

Woo Hoo!!Aidah with The Love of My Life (& probably everyone else's) - who's sane! :D

To think porn was bad! Kids are exposed to first hand crap in easily accessed shopping malls now. What would you tell a 5 year old if he said he liked this tee? *Shakes head* and *Runs to the loo to puke!*

Thanks for all the good luck eh Aidah? Since you wished me good luck so many times, Bet I have a better chance of actually getting it :) I hope you had a good 19th birthday! Thanks for choosing to date me when you had so many donkeys who asked you out :) I hope you like the present :) B&J was so awesome. I finally remember the flavour I first tried; it was mud pie I think. Though it sounds so unappetizing, it was a slice of heaven! :D

I don't get everyone expensive bomb shell presents, just the really closeee ones! :P Its not about money. If I know what will make someone happy/something they want, I'll get it for them. Birthdays only come once a year and besides, seeing the ones I love happy, makes me happy instantly. I get sooo much more satisfaction this way rather then buying myself something expensive & then regretting the splurge. I never regret splurging for/on others but I regret splurging on myself lol. That's just me, I have 0% expectations because I realised expectations lead to disappointment :]

No one's perfect, No one can read your mind (I bet many of us wish they could). I love rainbow so much and now, I have altered my expectations of my prince to just this sentence; 'That someone who Loves rainbow as much as I do or more' & yes, that's it. I don't care about race or religion, just love him. If he loves the one in the skies, he'll see everyone around him as pigments of rainbow hence treating the ones around him with love & respect. How can you hurt anyone when you realise we come from the same creator? Don't laugh at me okay! I know this prince sounds too much of a fantasy and really cheesy!! I can still fantasize cant I?! :D

Personal turn on's : A Reader, Intellectual, Honest, Compassionate, My Rock, Humour!! What an added bonus that would be! LOL.

Realized ... I have few but true friends, I have great ex teachers/father figures that I truly respect, I have a very supportive aunt who's doing everything she can for me, everything my grandmother would have wanted where my education is concerned and that's more then I had bargained for because she's not obligated to. I'm so thankful and I'm literally counting my blessings.

As for that one special guy, I'm too scared to dream, too scared to fantasize, too scared to bend my hopes on anyone. I leave it to you. If he's worthy/if its right, You'll let us meet in the future.
Right now, I'm happy with everyone I have in my life. I swear my next entry wont bore you :P

Pictures will be uploaded shortly ;)

Oh ... & Happy Birthday Singapore. LOL!

Festival of Praise

2008-08-03T23:37:00.009+08:00

Sorry, for the late update. I was too lazy! This is what I've been up to!! :)

Last Friday, I met Aidah in town. Kiki joined us for abit and gave us a dinner treat at Delifrance. Omg, the food sucked! I had Lasagna which was pretty average - still edible lol. I think Aidah's & Kiki's food was worse. Muchhh worse lol. Expensive doesn't equal to yummy! :P The ice cream was fab tho. Ty for the treat pal :))

Aidah & I decided to catch a movie. We were supposed to catch the Dark Knight but it was getting old, besides I didn't like the sound of the ending! lol. These couples are so annoying, its always a problem to catch a movie on Fridays & weekends. So packed!! After much walking, We got our tickets to catch 'The Mummy' at Suntec City. The first bit was pretty um mm ... anyway it got more action packed later on :P 'Wanted' still rocks if you ask me! :D

I went to the Festival of Praise on Saturday evening with Stephanie, Michelle and her friend Helen. It was awesome! Hill song United is loveee!! & Now I know for sure ... he approves and that's all that matters. I cant please the world. I liked the preaching too :) Cute/hilarious pastor :)

Psychology was like the kiss of life. I see my purpose. I know what I want and now, I don't give a damn about anyone Else's opinion. I want to save hearts - that's all I wanna do. I don't care if its not ''money making enough'' or a ''waste of time''. I know I'll succeed, Its not over confidence, Its faith! Because I'm doing this for him & him alone. I love him enough, to put myself out there. He'll never let me fall.

He sends amazing people into my life every now & then. If they arnt meant for me, he takes them away. It breaks my heart but I know its for the best. The cry of my heart is to bring you praise. Use me all you want, Use me to help others even if its at the expense of accidentally falling in love, even if I get my heart broken, I know its worth it. Your love will shine when all else fades. In the end, every one's gonna walk out; You're the ONLY ONE who'll stay. I'm not scared of loving you too much cause you'll never hurt me.

This time, Its you I'm gonna fall for Rainbow :) I loved him cause he's yours. Does that even make sense? My life's a mess, My emotions are a mess, My heart's a mess But every time I fall, I'm caught in your grace. I'm trying to fix the broken pieces and put my heart back together. I had my first English class for secondary level + English as a foreign language to a 40 year old guy on Sunday morning. I was so nervous cause I was so used to teaching children but it went pretty alright :)

Saturday Night

2008-07-27T02:20:00.006+08:00

Capricorn Daily Horoscope: Stay faithful to your dreams if you want them to come true. Only you have the power to make them a reality. Write down plans of action to help motivate you to act instead of fantasize.

The book I'm currently reading is 'Marvelous Minds' - The Discovery of What Children Know. Its been an interesting read :)

Saturday: I met Michelle this evening. We had dinner at Orchard before the long walk to The Esplanade. It feels like groundhog day with a different friend each time I go lol. Yes, City Hall is my favourite hangout spot now. The spitting Merlion near the river, The Esplanade Gallery, Under the bridge aka walk path and the secret spot. Boat Quay is pretty cool too. No place could beat the beach though but the nice ones are always far out.

As usual, it was nonsensical but humorous at the same time :D I just don't care about how I portray myself or what people think anymore. I just be the silly person I am and enjoy myself :) Sometimes, all you need is a few good friends/true friends ... good company and you'll start treating life as a blessing.

You know what? Today, I got over my trust issues. Only because I wanted to. Maybe, I never had them in the first place. I used this as an 'escape' so when guys try and flirt, I bring it up and they pull away. What my dad did, the way some men are or should I say ... the way most men are has made me so terrified of love and relationships.

I love my friends. I love people who give a damn about me. I love being loved for a change. I've drained all my energy loving people, making them happy that I'm just exhausted now. I cant change who I am and I would never have it any other way :)

Just as we got off the bus at Yio Chu Kang, We saw a train heading towards Woodlands/Jurong East. I knew I had missed the last train & very unfortunately, I was right lol. There was no night rider to woodlands either. So darn mean ): I ended up cabbing home after Michelle persisted & insisted lol. What a journey that was!

The taxi driver was nice but also a tad creepy. We talked the entire journey about random stuff. I remember what Dr Naidu said about communication. I can just about communicate with any stranger that wants to hold a proper conversation without even feeling uncomfortable. I'm happy with that :) Anyways, I'm glad I got home safe (Yeahhh, now you know how creepy he was) lol. Michelle, Jude and I were conferencing on msn for abit.

They both left soon after and I found myself in a chat room again. Believe me, my hormones are perfectly fine. Its just an interesting experience. You meet a truck load of people with hormone problems, even married people. Its sad, really. Then again, I also made a handful of friends who are nice and actually like me for who I am. To be honest, I never thought people would. To be honest, The last time I stepped into a chat room, I was 15 & I lied about everything due to being insecure & having 'trust issues'. Now, I don't give a damn lol. How long can you possibly wear a mask? Sooner or later you're gonna get exhausted and its gonna fall off. When it does, Sho's gonna block you :P

Michelle & I talked on the phone till 430am, she decided to get food & I decided to get some sleep! :) Alberto - a friend I made recently; reminded me that I shouldn't be worrying about love. I should just go out there, have fun & live for the present - that's the real blessing. I know he's right and that's what I've decided to do :) When it happens, it happens. Right? :) I liked Kenneth's recent entry, it was motivating indeed :)

I love my life!

I miss you so much yet I dont wanna be the one who keeps making the first move.
I feel stupid now. Maybe you didnt feel what I felt.

Recent events

2008-07-25T12:33:00.007+08:00

Gelare's Ice Cream Waffle! :D

Ben is so sweet :) :) :)
26/07/08 - IM BACK!

Monday: Tuition x 2 + bumming!

Tuesday: Tution x 1 + Michelle & I had Ice cream waffles at Gelare. Yummmy & darn filling! We slacked a little at the Esplanade/Merlion before catching the train home. Did I fail to mention, I hate the train aka Mass Rapid Transit!? Wonder if I even spelt that right -_-'' I like railway trains though and bus rides and car rides and bike rides! hee

Wednesday: Tuition x 2 + Met Euen & Dominic for abit. Haven't seen them for a year. They were with their girlfriends. I felt so odd being the odd one out lol. This always happens. I'm always the dateless one! Aw no one loves me, boo hoo. AS IF! I don't need someone to love me to prove that I'm awesome. I just haven't met my match yet. They cant handle me :P My prince/superman is out there; He'll find me! I don't know who he is but we already love each other :))

Thursday: Tuition x 2 + I met Ben later in the evening. It was raining cats & dogs :P He passed me a 2nd belated birthday present. The first was chocolate :D This 2nd one is like 7 months belated! lol. It was sooo sweet of him. I was so touched :) I loveee the present. Thank you so much! :) Its my first time getting two presents for my birthday! I got the MOST presents this year then I have ever gotten! no kidding :P You know Ben, Friendship is priceless and you're a priceless friend. I'm so glad we know each other :) Things will get better for you. Don't ever give up on your dreams! How can you? I believe in you buddy! Hang in there :)

Friday: Tuition x 1 + Shan & I went to this make up seminar by Looks. It was really good and they ran through all the make up mistakes ladies usually make. I must say, we learnt quite a lot! Slacked at the Esplanade/Merlion till a little after 3am before taking the night rider home!

University in 2009

2008-07-21T17:45:00.003+08:00

Things have been so messed up. Just the journey & process of getting into University is tough. Its a long story; complicated and I dont think I wanna add anymore unpleasantness to this blog. I could still make it for Sunway University's intake in august but I figured it would be a rush. Besides, hostel accommodation is full up. I'm pretty annoyed and upset at life but maybe its for the best.

I'll be starting school on 3rd Jan, 2009. I'm wasting yet another year. Then again, does it really matter how long the journey takes? Does it matter if its a prestigious university? I don't think it matters as much as what you get in the end. Life is what you make of it. I'm trying to be optimistic, trying to be happy. Its not easy but I'm not gonna give up trying.

I've made more new friends over the net. They are people I can really connect with and as far as physical distance goes, I'm glad they're in my life. Michelle is probably right about HIM. God used me to help him in some way and I think, just maybe, I did. Even if it was at my expense, I don't regret this.

You know what? I'm gonna make good use of this year. I'm gonna read and brush up on stuff I learnt. I'm gonna do my own study and experiments. I'm gonna communicate with strangers. I'm gonna build up on my self confidence, I'm gonna continue helping people on Yahoo Answers and I'll make it through this. I'll go to University prepared. Rainbow is making me want this. Making me want this sooooo badly! He's not gonna make me forget what it took to get me to where I am.

As for Love? Its a mystery. I'm just holding on tight to the awesome people I meet everyday & maybe to that potential prince. I don't want anything right now but friendship. I think love starts from there. It adds up to be some sort of foundation to the relationship. Time is the best test when you want to find out who's worth the tears.

I'm learning to be happy. I know when I leave, I leave for good. I do my best for everyone in my life & then I slowly slip away. I am someone who knows/thinks - I cant depend on anyone but myself, People I love will eventually let me down. That's not something I'm proud of but the past made me the person I am today.

Stronger then I can imagine... More independent then ever, I have always looked after everyone but myself. Its time for a change, its time to treat myself better. Years later, I'm gonna read back on this entry and go ''Is this the girl I once knew?''.

She has evolved. She's a butterfly :)

Pictures of You, Prictures of Me :))

2008-07-19T23:40:00.005+08:00

Reflections in the washroom (Its a girl thing!; I've always loved the mirror effect!) & Ridiculously scary self taken shots :P

Shobha & Aidah
Shobha & Shan

The Singapore Flyer.

The Spitting Merlion! :P

I'M SO CUTE! HAHA! :D

Arnt I just the most awesome person ever? :P

People love me cause I'm always there! OR atleast I make an effort to be! So if you need me, call/text/msn/yahoo/skype/email, whatever! I'm here; ALWAYS :) I thought I just needed to say that out loudddd :P

'Raindrops are falling on my head'

2008-07-15T19:47:00.005+08:00

Last week was the best week I've had in a really long time. It was my most sociable week! along with a gazillion laughs :] I have my friends to thank. This week, however, is starting to feel like some horror flick or maybe a scene from 'Nightmare on elm street'. Its a disaster! Every things falling apart yet again.

The funny thing is, as much as I think I cant take anymore of this, I know I can & I know I will.

EDIT (17/07/08): I deleted the rest of my entry. I keep thinking, I'm alone; on my own. I forget that there are people who reallyyyy care about me, I forget I have rainbow. I forget to have faith and be optimistic. Things are currently sorting themselves out. I'll be sure to update :)

A Big Thank You to all the darlings that read my entry and offered support, to people that tagged me with optimistic comments. I hope things turn out alright, in fact, I know they will :) I love you guys!

Meet Up with PLP / Late Night Movie

2008-07-12T08:36:00.018+08:00

I just got home like 3.5hrs ago :P Yes, that makes it 5am lol. How it all began: I met Aidah at Causeway Point at 5pm Yesterday. It was good to see you again babe! :] She was starved so we decided to have an early dinner (Initially we were supposed to wait for PLP aka Peigen Lee Pagen! - my st margs pri classmate!) Whoops :X

The food sucked! Mine did anyway. Yuck! The quality of everything is going down the drain. Sigh. While waiting for PLP, Aidah & I contemplated to watch a late night movie. Causeway point didnt cut it though (not movie feeling enough) lol. We finally decided to watch it at Dhoby Ghuart (That place is getting so old man) :P I hate the way couples show their (PDA) Public Display of Affection. I mean, its cool & all but jeez people; draw a line! They are corrupting today's children so bad!

PLP finally arrived, Yay! I missed you! I decided to treat her to dessert as Gelare. Aidah & I got chocolate sundaes while PLP got an ice cream waffle. It was aweeeesomeeee but really filling! 'Hello Calories!' :P Aww, who cares! Sometimes you just need to make yourself happy for a change! People should love you for who you are, not what you are! (This line sounds soooo familiar, I've probably said it a million times but have yet to apply that theory to myself).

PLP parted with Aidah & I at Woodlands Mrt Station. After which we headed down to Dhoby Ghuart. After much thought, we made up our minds to watch 'Wanted' as it had really good ratings. The 'Hero' was geeky/nerdy at first but after he got over his severe anxiety/panic attacks, he ended up being confident and HAWT :P Seeee, Its all in the personality :] It was one of the best action blockbuster flicks I've caught in a really long time though! Its a must watch if you ask me :D

Movie ended around 1am, Aidah & I took a walk to the Esplanade. Slacked near the river/Merlion. It was really nice. Had a good view of the Singapore Flyer, saw the lights being tested out for this year's NDP parade & we snacked on junk food as well.

I am up for going to Desaru again for a couple of days during Aidah's birthday. 'The Pulai' is a really cool open concept beach resort & it doesn't exactly cost a bomb. Its an awesome get a way when you need to clear your head! Hoping to hook up with at least 6 people. Maybe we could go during a weekend so it doesn't affect any one's school/work schedules. I hope this works out! :]

Anyways, we took the night rider at dawn, 4am in the morning :D Unfortunately, we couldn't take the same bus! Awww. The journey was pretty fast though; 45mins. My mp3 died so I just stared out the window :P I didn't get much sleep. Mom woke me up at 8am and today being her birthday, I just got up. Happy Birthday Mummy :]

Thanks for the pretty belated birthday present PLP! *HUGS*

I look like crap due to sleepless nights! ugh.

Meet Up with Ben the Birthday Boy!! ^^

2008-07-10T15:57:00.004+08:00

Thank you for the 7 month belated birthday Present Ben! :)

Happy Belated 19th Ben! Join the club of oldies :P

Late this morning, I went down to City link Mall to get Ben his present :) Then I headed to SONY, Bugis with the intention of buying a new camera battery only to be told by the staff that both my camera batt & charger were fine. I was like ??!! Okayyyy. Audios?

I shopped at Top man for abit (Dont ask why top MAN & not top Shop) lol. I fancy guy wear! :P
I rushed home, charged my phone, my cam batt, & off to tutor Calvin before heading to Bugis again for a Steamboat dinner with Ben & Yan Shuang. I didn't eat though - I'm vegetarian :D:D and Ben forgot! HaHa. I did it on purpose, I don't want them to sacrifice their well planned dinner for me! I wasn't hungry anyways :P

Ben was saying he wants to stay a Kidd forever, I'm starting to worry. Its already bad enough when he tries to act half his age. Then again, its seriously, hilariously funny! ^^ I miss the good old days of secondary school. Its our last teen year dears, so enjoy it while it lasts!

I really had fun today! Laughed till I ached :) Thank you guys. Thanks for the invite & the laughs Birthday boy. I look forward to the next one! Enough Cam whoring & Self Love pictures to last you till next month Ben? :P

I hope you like the present! :D

Xx

Obvious

2008-07-08T23:41:00.005+08:00

I like this song (Obvious) by Westlife. Michelle's suggestion this time round. 'Since you never seem to notice, the way we belong, I sing it in a love song'. I remember how I used to adore Westlife & Backstreet Boys when I was a kid. Hawt Hawt boy bands! Heart breaking lovey dovey songs! :)

I heard from James today, he got my email, I got his offline messages :) I heard from Shalzy, she's safe. Wanted me to check her Friendster/Facebook for her. I've always been trusted with passwords! :D

Oh, I made a trip to JB today. Yes, again! again! I'm always going there :P I finally bought my long awaited Nike Air track shoes! Red/Black, They're so pretty, I wanna kiss em! :D I would take pictures but, yes, no cam batt! I'll come back here and post belated pictures once I get my batty! Great, Now I need to save $90 for that silly thing :)

I crave GELARE! I crave Ice Cream WAFFLES! :)) I don't give a damn about the calories anymore! Fat & Gay I'll be! Love me for who I am or shoo! :) So... Gelare anyone? 1/2 price tomorrow? lol.

Hey, you know what? I was just browsing through Y!A today. I looked back at all the questions I answered, all the Best Answers I got, I read all the sweet comments & thank you's and I asked myself...

Did you really come up with all that? You're telling them exactly what they needed to hear! You saved a life or maybe lives. You made someone suicidal wanna live again. Maybe all they needed was someone to give them a hug and say 'Everything will be alright, Trust me'. Maybe you did that. Maybe the words were better then any hug. I'd give em a hug if my screen let me :) You're awesome? naw. Rainbow's awesome :)

I'll never be satisfied with the amount of people I help. I'M DRIVEN to push myself all the way. I'M DRIVEN to do better, to improve, to put more heart & less intelligence into my answers. They're humane, not some robot. Common people; Jeez! :)

You're making me all that I was meant to be!

Almost done with my anorexia research! :]]

Hot Right? :D

2008-07-07T20:57:00.005+08:00

Dont know who you are or where you're from
All I know is, I've waited for you all my life.
You're the last piece of the jigsaw to my puzzle;
The puzzle that never got the chance to be completed.
I know... someday, somehow,
You'll find me, the way I found you.
I'll wait for you.
They say you're an illusion
But I believe you exist.

St.Margs Carnival

2008-07-05T20:07:00.006+08:00

The carnival today was pretty fun! Had lots of stuff going on. Probably one of the best sch carnivals I've been to as well. The kids that came definitely had a blast, that's for sure. I was just watching a couple of them run around. Games - Food - Games - Food - Games - Screams! Kiddy paradise! Haha. Adorable.

I saw Pastor Ong & a few of the church members I met at camp :) oOoOo They still remember me haha.

The carnival had Island Creamery's (Ice Cream) which was just fabbbbbulous! I got the choc + Oreo one. No pictures sadly. My battery busted & its like over 60 bucks to get a new one. No cam whoring for days! Hopefully not weeks eh?

This guy at the carnival was talking to me. He was having an exhibition on recycling used spectacles. We were discussing about the process & how children from third world countries benefit from this. I really thought it was a fantastic cause & told him so! :) I'll spread the word & definitely contact this organisation when I don't need the frame or lenses anymore :)

''Mind you its easy to spot a pretty face but not a pretty heart'' lol. Okay, Shawn's line, I'm just quoting his praises but I guess its pretty logical! :D

I lost my ring today. I lost Ryan's ring. I lost my good luck charm. I'm such an idiot. I was kinda down & was about to sink deeper but then I realised, as much as I loved having something of his, its just a thing. I was obsessing for 8 years over that ring. He lives in my heart & always will. Its not the good luck charm that gets me through, its the memory of him. As long as I remember him, he's alive. He's my guardian angel and I know he's watching over me or at least its lovely to think so :)

More people read my blog then Im aware of :P I mean like, random strangers and most of the time, Instead of my knowledge being spread & shared, I gain knowledge from them. Its like a fair exchange which is awesome :) Thanks for being so supportive!

Its like I've waited my whole life for this one night. I just had to steal that line from Chrissy! (C.B) :P

I'm a little behind my anorexia topic. Still researching & piling up info. Hold on guys!

My smile's back!

2008-07-03T22:36:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling sooooo much better today! :D I can never get enough of kids. They make me smile, laugh & go absolutely crazzzzy! I see myself ganging up with them & making fun of adults! :X Its like being a little kid all over again :) I can be at the lowest of my emotions but their smile, makes mine return :) Is that weird? ^^

I've been listening to 'Feel Good Songs', People on Y!A answered my ridiculous question/s on heart breaks. Some, are so sincere, it touches the core of my heart. Its like, Just when you think no one cares, people burst in with emotional support; even random strangers! I'd say Y!A is an awesome place to find/meet people of similar interests. Of course, pls don't go on there just to hook up! (yes, some people do that) lol.

At times, I look around and feel like I have no friends. Cause people are busy with their own stuff or ... they just moved on :) Still, I do have a couple of awesomely tight friends left. True ones, if I might say so myself. You know who you are right? :) You've been my rock! My pillar of strength! The ones that make me smile even when I feel like my world is falling apart. Thank you :)

I'm so blessed - so very blessed. I have my whole life ahead of me, plans, dreams, desires, I really do want to be happy, I really want to leave the past behind. I really want to be able to trust guys. I really want to make it right. I am no 'Mother Theresa' (as my junior quoted) but I'll gladly sacrifice my entire life for the good of mankind.

I've fallen in love with the one in the skies. I love you so much. I could be standing in the rain; Yet I feel like I'm under an umbrella, You will never let me drown. I'll live & die for you.

I'll help people that need help, as long as I can help, I'll help! - My friends should know this by now. Financial/Emotional, whatever. If I can, I will. I never think twice. I follow through with plans once my mind is made up. If I fall in love with you, I'll never fall out. I'm happy. Instead of wishing on what could have been, I'm looking around, I'm looking at what I already have!

Back to my Psych Blog stuff tomorrow aight? Topic for tomorrow - ANOREXIA! Feel free to leave comments/questions/whatever. You'll be helping me :)

ADD/ADHD

2008-07-01T19:12:00.003+08:00

I just got home from tutoring Calvin. He's a great kid, I try to make lessons as enjoyable & interesting as possible. Its important to give kids a choice of what they want to do & etc (from your list). Reward them when they do something right, egg them on when they make a mistake, give them a clue and encourage them to try again. My tatics have worked wonders for me so far lol. Again, I thank Psych :)

The past two weeks have been rather fruitful for me. I helped my step father re validate his engineering documents last week. I had to go down today to collect them them back. I'll be sending them out to Uk tomorrow. I went swimming yesterday morning, despite using sun block, I still ended up with a tan! Ah well, no complains though, I like my colour now - Its the colour of Hot chocolate; 'very brownie' haha.

I decided to do some research on ADD/ADHD. I remember having a couple of kids in my class last year who were diagnosed with those. It was rather challenging but hey, I survived! Maybe a little information will help you guys understand these disorders better.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a biological, brain based condition that is characterized by poor attention and destructibility and/or hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. It is one of the most common mental disorders that develop in children. Symptoms can continue into adolescence and adulthood. If left untreated, ADHD can lead to poor school/work performance, poor social relationships and a general feeling of low self esteem.

Many studies have found that the greatest risk factor for ADHD is being male. Males are three times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD as compared to females. Genetics and heredity are also major risk factors, as ADHD tends runs in families. Brain abnormalities or structural differences have also been found in individuals with ADHD.

Wondering about the differences between ADD and ADHD? ADD or attention deficit disorder is a general term frequently used to describe individuals that have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder without the hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. The terms are often used interchangeably for both those who do and those who do not have symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsiveness.

Credits to About.Com - It has very helpful information about almost any topic. Its my main resource for Psychology & Comparisons.

I've always felt that children who are born with disorders arnt just born with disorders! Its the mother's state of mind when she's pregnant, its the condition of the womb. Emotions play a big role, Happiness plays a big role. Many ladies arnt aware of this. Whatever emotions the mother goes through, the child goes through the same. Its pretty scary as that can affect brain development and of course the formation of disorders! There's also genetics to consider I guess.
Also whatever disorder a child is diagnosed with, its important to make him/her feel as normal as ever.

I wouldn't encourage special treatment at all! I reckon, that just makes your life harder & it gives the child the benefit of the doubt that they can always ''make excuses'' & ''get away with murder'' because of what they have. Never, ever display sympathy, children are very sensitive. If you dont like them, they know it. They see through fake fronts. If you pity them, they feel it and it would either affect their self esteem or they'd take advantage of the situation.

Dont judge me lol, I dont know if I even make sense but thats my conclusion! :)

Reminder to Self

2008-06-29T12:58:00.005+08:00

- Stop carrying the problems of others on your head.
You can only advice people, You cant make decisions for them.

You're freaking awesome! You're always saying what a turn on confidence is! so why dont I see that in you sho!?

If you can meet someone like HIM on Y!A, maybe there's hope. He conquered your insecurities. You didnt have to meet him to trust him. You actually trusted him! You didnt have to meet him to realise you were falling for him. That was the last thing you wanted to do but you were so drawn to that ideal-portential-prince image that your heart could only cry out and go ... Its him.

HE has set the standard for my potential princes of the future. Im not too sure if anyone can actually beat that! If they do, maybe I should run? lol.

I realised even with Steve being so indecisive, I could not shed a tear. I just didnt have any feelings for him. I cant sub Steve for HIM! Maybe it would have been easier but maybe I'd just be torturing this pretty heart of mine more. Who was I kidding. I do such stewpid things at times but I do learn.

JB again!

2008-06-27T23:35:00.004+08:00

I had a fun day out today or should I say yesterday since its past 12am? lol. Shan & I spent the day at JB, Malaysia. We grabbed a bite to eat for breakfast before heading down to our usual salon for girl stuff :D (Basically eyebrow threading & waxing!). Shan had a facial done today while I did waxing & my first pedicure! I have purple toe nails now! LOL.

Now, I'm not gonna go all nuts over my colourful toes & post pictures! I love being a girl - though it can get absolutely troublesome & annoying at times. There's a lot to ''maintain'' but its also fun! I mean, we get to wear guy wear, girl wear, whatever wear & its fine. We get to be emotional without being called a sissy :P Get the picture dearies? Haha. I'm happy with the waxing though; looking forward to my morning jog tomorrow! :P

Had an awesome lunch, Went on a little shopping spree, Bought myself a B.U.M jacket since it was 50% off the usual price, Bought a peach flavoured moisturizer which had a scent that was just mind blowing! Decided to buy dinner home for mommy & an entire box of chocolate doughnuts with little hearts as icing! Too pretty to eat! :D

Idk. Shopping? My refuge is Malaysia. I just dont quite like being hit on lol. I got hit on so much today, it was scary! I mean like seriously, I can be pretty tomboyish. I wore a quicksilver tee & converse Bermudas. I looked a total wreck yet I have people flirting with me? Should I say ''Thanks'' now?

This NEVER used to happen in the past. I mean I get hit on in Singapore too, its just 'Indirectly' but over there, its a whole new ball game! There was this dude in his car who rolled down his window just to wave & smile widely at me. I didnt even know how the hell to react. I just wanted to burst out laughing yet at the same time I didnt wanna send out the wrong signal saying 'Im interested'.

Flirting & Flings just aint my thing. When I like someone, there's no room for anyone else. When I like someone, I put my entire heart in the relationship. Of course, that might not always be the best option cause I'd also be taking the risk of seeing my heart in two, but I believe love is a gamble. Love cant be forced. If its meant to be, no one can tear you apart. If he doesn't love you, nothing can make him stay.

So girls, be true to yourself. If he cant love you for who you are, then maybe he isnt worth it. 80% of what you look for in someone -will be there. 20% is what you'll have to build up together. He dosnt come as a perfect package & neither do we. My resource? - Dr Phil.

I Lovey Davey You! :)

I've proud of the person I am but I know I can achieve better.

I hate goodbyes

2008-06-27T00:08:00.005+08:00

I'm happy when I make others happy. B says I'm his sunshine, C says I'm his rainbow, D says I'm his guardian angel, E says I'm his shooting star. Wanna know whats funny? They don't mean that much or hardly anything for that matter. In addition to that, I'd appreciate if they stopped flirting with me! LOL. I'm kidding :)

A means something to me. I don't know what right now. Words feel like an understatement. He has an appointment with the therapist today. I didn't catch him online. I think I'm pretty safe cause I doubt he reads this lame blog of mine. As you can tell its more ''personal'' then ''psych'' now. I'm such a wreck! lol.

Nothing new with me. Haven't been out with anyone in a really long time, except for random meals with Shan but that's it. I miss the memories of everyone! Psych changed me. I started to have expectations & I started to dump people who just weren't worth it.

My dear Shalzy is getting married soon. ROM in aug (Sri lanka), Wedding in Jan/Feb (Singapore). I wonder if I'll still be around. She's flying off on Sunday morning.

Sunday morning rain is falling ...
Steal some covers share some skin ...
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable...
You twist to fit the mold that I am in...

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do...
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew...
That someday it would bring me back to you...
That someday it would bring me back to you...

Whaaaaaat! That's the only song I could think of, Not my fault if it didn't quite fit! :P Idk, marriages still scare the crap out of me. Love scares the crap out of me. Parenting? Idk! I actually have the most confidence in this, out of the 3. Dont laugh at me! :P I guess, I just had lots of kiddy experience throughout the years. More then I bargained for I suppose.

I'm gonna miss shalZY like craZY! I've asked her out on a date on Saturday! :) I'm going to JB in 8-10hrs! Can you blame me? I'm half Malaysian :) I love it there! :D

Dear Dad, Should I make your life miserable when I do find you? No. I shan't, I'll just ask you for a Hug - to know what it feels like cause its something I've always wanted to do. Pray - that you've learnt from your mistakes. Hope - that you didn't regard me as one. Forgive - because I never really hated you. Love - cause that's all I have to offer. I cant find you if you don't want to be found, I expect no support from anyone. I just know, doing this, would help me a great deal. I also know, I will only find you if Rainbow lets me. I don't know why but you're in my thoughts a lot these days. I have no number to dial, address to send to, just a blog with a touch of warmth.

I wish I didnt have to do this alone.

I have to let go & leave the past behind.

2008-06-22T10:52:00.007+08:00

Rainbow, You only make my faith grow & I love you so. I owe everything I am to you. My entire life ... it could have gone so wrong but you held me close. You loved me before I knew you, You renewed my spirit every time I felt like I was gonna die. My hormones had to be in a mess in order for me to deal with the way life was treating me. I understand now. All of a sudden, it makes perfect sense.

The pain that I feel, slowly fades. My fate has changed. It took me a really long time to accept my life for what it was. I was in denial for so long, wishing life away as nightmare, that I'll eventually wake up from. Now, I've evolved & I see myself as someone new, someone better. I see this reflection of mine & I see you shining through me.

SD - He ruins my self esteem a lot - I'm not sure if he's aware. (I hate that).
D - I'll find you, just to say goodbye. I'll find you, for myself, I need the closure.
Rainbow - I trust you.

I've been looking at clips on Dr Phil recently (Psychologist). They have even got a talk show on him in America. Its reeeeally good! Wish Singapore had it too ): Ah well, guess I'll just have to make do with You tube eh! Pathetic. I've been doing quite a lot of research on OCD lately. You know why? Its all thanks to someone :) At least I'm not wasting my life away! :P Yahoo Answers as usual is amazing. 'Best Answer' always makes my day! :) Like clown mentioned, its good practice for now.

All that OCD research & late nights up, You did it for him. You got so involved for him but you crossed the line and the friendship became something else.

I found a really emo song today. Oh my Gawd. Its so goodddd! LOL! I'm a sucker for these things. I'm not negative or depressed, I'm just full of sentiment & emotions. Duh, why else would Psych be the love of my life? I CRIED after watching the video. Boo hoo. It took guts to admit! :P

The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind, I can't leave it all behind.
I have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away. It will be alright.

I know, should realise Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside, Have to trust it will be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.It will be alright.

Oh, this night is too long. I have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist I see the face Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.

I have to try to break free From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

I thought that was nice.

Here's Something of my own!

Here you are, running in my mind.
I like you a little too much
Its too bad You'll never know
The feeling just grows.
You have problems of your own.

If I had to sacrifice my connection with you,
I gladly would.
Just promise me,
You'll be alright.

I cant help this helplessness I feel.
It was just nice to know you existed.
You found me and we bonded.

Even if it was just for awhile.
I'm thanking the one in the skies,
You changed everything I loved
Feels like its a new beginning with no end.
Pain found a way not to breed again.

Fact is, You'll never be mine.
But in the end, its alright
Cause you were worthwhile.