Coping with Loss of a Loved One

Time sure does fly. Just about a week ago I lost my grandmother. It came as a shock despite always assuming that I would be prepared when it was time to let go. I haven't been able to pay sufficient attention in any of my classes for the past week and I've been waking up to find my pillow soaked. I can't seem to recall any of my dreams and thoughts of her fill my mind like a hot air balloon. I haven't been able to write articles, update my blog or reply to emails from family overseas; till maybe today. I don't suffer from ''writer's block'' as they like to call it but its the emptiness that sets in and steals away the words.

The funeral/cremation still feel like a trauma; as if it was some nightmare that I would eventually awake from at any moment and there should be; smiling back at me. I used to dream about her death in the past.. they were vivid but this was real. I think it's not the physical loss that I have issues coping with but rather the emotional. The grandmother I lost at 11. The one I used to take care of, feed, take for walks and change diapers for. The one whose hair I used to brush and whose forehead I used to kiss; assuring her that everything would be okay. The trips to the nursing home once classes were over as and when I could. I knew she was leaving but I never expected it to be this soon.

So here I am, being everything she wanted me to be. I am in university - the way she wanted me to be, living my dreams, taking responsibility for everything around. Here I am, that kid who grew up overnight, who always felt older than she really was. Here I am, hoping.. still hoping, one day someone's gonna take care of me and if that someone fails to come along, it would be okay cause its just a fantasy.

I probably can't apply Kulber Ross's five stages of death to myself. Mainly because I think I've gone through those five stages the last couple of years. I never expected myself to be this strong though. The way I can still laugh at jokes and times where I play along with the environment and look as though, nothing happened. It surprises me, that I am actually okay. I feel her overwhelming presence and I know I'm gonna dedicate everything I do to her.

I love you so much. You didn't just play the role of my one and only grandparent. You played the role of my mom and dad. If you do come back; come back into my life as a child.